self-control

First, let me apologize for not having blogged for a while. Honestly, with the holidays I barely cooked anything for myself since I would indulge at the homes of friends, so I figured take it easy when by myself and the holidays wouldn't have too much of an impact on my progress.

I guess I made the right decision. I kept going to the gym, I ate modestly when alone, and then all I did special while with friends is used a little bit of self control. There was so much great food but I told myself to only have one plate... eat slowly... and if I stop being hungry then I need to stop eating.

It sounds so simple, I know. But I do remember what it was like when it wasn't so easy. There's different levels of food addiction, sure. Once at a WW meeting, a lady from out of town was visiting people in the area and I was just lucky enough to have her show up at my meeting. And she proceeds to tell us all about her actual food addiction. Like she stopped by a bakery because she felt like if she didn't put that donut in her mouth she wasn't complete. That takes just a bit more help than just simply loving the taste of cheese fries and letting out a delightful sigh every time I think of them. I mean... okay.

After a solid few months of food detox, I can safely say that I rarely have “cravings” for things anymore. Chocolate is about the only one that I get and we can probably just lend that to hormonal shifts. But I get a couple little pieces and I'm good. I can eat a granola bar with chocolate and take care of it too. I'm definitely not an advocate of depriving oneself of the things you want, but there's a limit in my mind. Why do you want it? If it's just to put it in your mouth, then really, do you actually need it? If you're hungry and you could really go for something, then by all means... you need food. But if you're already at capacity and you want dessert just to have dessert and in having that dessert you become so miserable that you regret it later... maybe I'm finally able to see the future. I haven't been over full in a little over two months. I HATE FEELING TOO FULL. It hurts. I don't think about the weight repercussions... I think about how I'm going to feel.

What was my weight loss this week? I had a weird week. I do weigh every morning now, since I'm so close to where I want to be... and between Monday and Friday I was always 161.something. That something went up by a tenth of a pound every day. Which is fine, I mean... which would I rather be, 161 or 216?

But this morning I step on the scale and I see this:

I didn't weigh Saturday morning. This came as a complete surprise. I moved the scale about 5 times and reweighed. It always came up the same.

This is the first time I've ever seen anything in the 150's. I couldn't tell you the last time I weighed that. I have no idea.

This leads me to another topic of self control that I'm struggling with recently. Clothes. I need them. I'm not exactly rolling in money so I'm trying to be prudent with purchasing new clothes, but I go to the store and try on sizes that actually FIT ME and I see how different I look. All of my clothes are too big and really, it's not attractive. I'm sure it'd be worse to wear clothes that are too small, but I feel like a real slob sometimes.

I'm down to a size 12 in jeans... and even some of those don't fit terribly well. They have a lot of room in the front, not the waist but where the zipper is. I bought two pair of size 10 slacks for work yesterday. I of course tried on the 12s first because that's what my mind does. I have a bunch of 12s at home that are TOO BIG. So common sense would tell me to try something smaller first. I can fit in a size medium t-shirt. I've lost a bra size.

And I feel guilty for buying clothes.

What happens if I gain it all back?

I shouldn't think like that. There's no reason why I should gain it back. I've kept it off for over a year, even lost more. And I repeat, there's no reason why I should gain it all back.

When I really look at myself I wonder why I gained so much originally. What was going on in my life that made me gain? I started taking birth control, that put about 10 pounds on me since I lacked any self control because I had never had to worry about it before. I went to a high school with 4 floors, I ran up four flights of stairs on a daily basis. Over and over again. College came and I stopped being active, which is sort of funny because there were times when I would walk the mile from the parking lot to campus because I didn't feel like cramming onto the shuttle. And there was the food on campus. And lots of eating it. And the amount of food I could eat as a teenager and not see any weight gain, those days were over when fast food was introduced at an alarming rate.

Then we fast forward and I got married and I was so unhappy. Eating felt good, one of the few things that really did. When I had food in my mouth, when I was chewing, I wasn't expected to speak. And those were the few glorious seconds when I could be myself. Then I'd be expected to speak again and would have to go back to changing the way I felt about things and watching what I say.

The second time I gained it back I was in a situation where putting food in my mouth would save me from speaking too. Better to just quietly eat as much as I can.

I repeat. There's no reason why I should gain it back.

I want to be more than that. I want to be myself. I want to be only in situations where it's okay to be myself. I don't want to use food to escape anything. I want food because I need it to live. I want food to enjoy with someone special. I want to feel good. And if I want to continue feeling good, a little self control is all I need. Controlling how much I eat. Controlling why I'm eating. Controlling my surroundings so that I never have to compromise.

I gave birth control a little slap in the face up there, but frankly, I can't see where that's too much of an issue. Sure, I started gaining weight when I started the Pill, but I've also lost 58 pounds while on it too. It takes power over yourself. In order to do that, you need to know who you're up against. I think for the first time I really know who I am. And it's who I want to be. And there's no reason why I shouldn't have gained that back.