67 pounds

Sometimes you think things.  I think things a lot.  And when you say them out loud after thinking them so long, for me at least, they become words so foreign to your lips but common knowledge to the rest of you that the paradox is a strange, visceral sensation.  It tingles.  You wonder why you didn't start saying it in the first place.  When you say it out loud it becomes true.

This weekend I looked at a friend of mine and said, out loud, "You know, I've lost 67 pounds."

It's almost ridiculous.  How the hell did I DO that?

At my first Weight Watchers weigh in when the scale read 217 pounds I could believe it, but I couldn't.   I knew how much I ate.  I knew I ate whatever I wanted regardless of anything else.  I was never "trained" to eat healthy by my family, but we didn't necessarily eat terribly either.  Sometimes food was fried, but there were always vegetables.  Always water to drink; rarely a soda.  Sometimes we'd just have gigantic salads for dinner.  But when you're pulled out of the world where so many decisions are made for you, things become different.  Not easier or harder.  Just the wrong decision can sometimes be the only one you notice making.  The only one you see in front of you. 

I've had so much change in my life over the past 4 years.  7 pants sizes.  3 relationships.  Friends and new friends and broken friends and rekindled friends.  2 states.  I've ridden on the back of a motorcycle.  I've played on my first sports team.  I've done a pushup.  Or two.  Or five.  I've done Warrior III pose.  I found ballet again.  And I've lost 67 pounds.

I still don't love myself enough.  But I'm getting there.  I've got to think of me as the only person I'll have a lifelong long-term relationship with and I have to accept myself and love myself through every change.  Every mistake.   Remember I'm trying my hardest and love myself for trying.  I've grown so much but I have so much more to learn.  I try my hardest.

There's things I like to do now that I never liked before I lost weight.  And don't get my wrong, I wasn't always 217.  I didn't wake up 217 one day.  I went through high school bouncing between 170 and 180.  Braces help.  I've considered doing that again just for the weight loss benefits haha.  I was 190 in college.  Then 200.  Then more and that's when you stop looking until Weight Watchers asks you to remove your shoes and step on the scale.

I like to sweat now.  It's not a comfortable thing when you're bigger.  It feels hot, not refreshing the way it feels now.  I like to wear shorts.  I like playings sports and watching sports.  I like the sun more.

I like my hair long.  I cut it short partially because I didn't like the way it would lay on my fat back and my fat shoulders but putting it up every day gave me a headache. 

I like trying on clothes.  I don't like when I pick the wrong size... as my bones have not lost any size and there's still some things I can't get over my gigantic man-shoulders.  Also it depends on the store.  Just saying, White House Black Market, I can wear a small top, but a size 10 dress I can't zip?  Really?  I digress.

Yesterday I had some Kohl's cash so I wanted a new pair of non-black dress pants for work.  Found some, size 8.  But I ended up taking a 12 to the fitting room because I still have that thing where my eyes gravitate toward certain sizes.  Well, here's what I look like in a size 12.

Crazy.

Kickball started this past week and it was FANTASTIC.  Of course, I'm not used to sprinting, so I kind of pulled my right butt cheek just a little.  It's still sore.  Going to need some hamstring warmups before the next game.  I never made it to first base, but I caught the ball once to get someone out so that made me happy.  Got a bruise from it.  I feel very hardcore.

I finished Week 1 of Jillian Michael's Ripped in 30.  I should have started Week 2 yesterday but I ended up spending most of the day in a bathing suit.  Should have started this morning, but... yea I have no excuse for that one.  But the day isn't over. 

The day isn't over.

I have an hour and thirty minutes until I need to be somewhere.

I can get in a 20 minute workout.

What am I on the computer for?

Maybe I do love myself enough.  :)