Bullying and Sub-Zero Windchills

In elementary school, I was a bully. Not the type of bully that pushes you down on the playground and steals your lunch money, though I talked pretty big about my ability to beat you up, just in case you ever thought about messing with me. There were a couple people that I think back to and I'm actually really embarrassed about the way I treated them. I think bullying is really impulsive, something that happens in the moment, a way to get the focus taken off of yourself and onto someone else. I could be a mean kid because I was trying to keep people from being mean to me. I really hope that nothing I ever said impacted people enough to impact their lives.

Something changed into middle school. I guess I grew out of being “tough” so I let people bully me. Maybe a guilty conscience trying to take a little of my own medicine. Also, in 6^th grade, I had a 36 inch waist, so there's very little I had left in me to fight. I was made fun of for what I wore. Growing up chubby you don't want to wear anything where your chubbiness can be noticed, so it's generally baggy. I really can't go in depth in my own bullying experiences because that would probably make me cry, and I don't feel like crying today. I spent the second half of my 8^th grade year not wanting to go to school. Luckily (sadly) in high school there were girls more overweight than I was. It's easier to quietly hide behind those people and let your own problems be unnoticed. When you branch out in the world and find people fatter than you, that's how it's easy to become 217 pounds.

But bullying doesn't stop when you become an adult. Maybe it's not as hateful, because you're older and you've learned how to weave your words with a bit more selection. No, it's just as hateful, just more articulate. I've said it in several posts, losing weight in a vacuum would be so easy. The problem with losing weight is you have to still interact with everyone else in the world. And a lot of those people have tried to do what you're succeeding at... and in those moments of impulse, trying to take that negative focus off of themselves, they make fun of you for eating healthy.

I've done it. 217 pound Katie used to say the meanest things about people who chose to eat the things that I now find delicious and satisfying. I'm so sorry I ever did that. It happens through trying to support your own behavior; give yourself purpose and a reason to overeat. You can't fess up to yourself that the real reason you overeat is your bleak dissatisfaction with your life, so you cling to taste and that warm belly feeling when you have all that fast food in your stomach. And you laugh at those who won't let themselves enjoy that same feeling. That's “their problem” that they don't indulge. If I were that skinny, I'd eat all of the bad stuff I could find...

You know that's not true, though.

I've been feeling bullied lately. I try not to let it get to me. I try to find satisfaction in standing in front of the bathroom mirror after I take a shower and falling in absolute love with the body I see there. I stand at the water cooler at work, filling up my cup, pushing on my lower belly, feeling how little give there is now. Curling up on the couch with my handsome gentleman where he tells me that he can really feel a change in my shoulders and back. I'm really trying to focus. I'm finding that you get fit in the kitchen as well as in the gym. I've been really limiting my sodium. I'm still eating way too much sugar but it's coming from more natural sources, not like I'm eating a bunch of cake.

It's in focusing on yourself that you can find the strength. At the end of the day when you're nutritiously fed, you're still buzzing from having worked out, your body is tired and needing the excellent sleep that you're about to slip into... treasure those moments because they're not made to make anyone else feel good except for you. You should be selfish. Everyone who has anything negative to say to you about your journey or anyone who whispers anything behind your back about how much of a stick-in-the-mud you are and how you won't indulge with them... they're being selfish too. So you deserve it. No matter how much you try to remain a positive example, sometimes it becomes a little too much. You always have yourself to turn to.

I've been getting a lot of traffic on the blog here recently and I'm really excited. I like the idea that people enjoy my posts; hopefully it's helping someone out. Last week I shared my weekly food and exercise log and I definitely want to do that again. Exercise this week was a little different because OMG it was cold. The temperature was single digits so the wind chill was ridiculous. I only got 2 miles in running this week, a quick speed run on Monday (holiday off from work). I was pretty happy with my performance, didn't beat my fastest mile time (9:18) but I did get in 2 miles in under 20 minutes. I watched the clock and really pushed myself. The weather is supposed to warm up as the week progresses, so I'll at least get one run in this week. I'm trying to not be hard on myself about it. I technically don't have to start my half marathon training until May, but I'd like to get up to where I can run a 10k before I start that.

My exercise for the week was as follows:

Monday: Ripped in 30, Week 2, Day 3 + 2 Mile Run (Mile 1 9:23, Mile 2 10:08)

Tuesday: Ripped in 30, Week 2 Day 4

Wednesday: Ripped in 30, Week 2, Day 5 + Tap Dance Class

Thursday: REST

Friday: Ripped in 30, Week 3, Day 1

Saturday: Ripped in 30, Week 3, Day 2

Sunday: Ripped in 30, Week 3, Day 3

As you can see, there was a lot of strength this week. I got to where I was pretty kick ass at Week 2. And then Week 3 came. And I think Jillian Michaels is a genius because every time I feel like taking a rest, it's like she knows... and she starts screaming and I start kicking my own butt. I burn fewer calories as the weeks progress (just by 10 or so) because my heart rate just isn't getting as high. But I'm absolutely noticing body changes. I did Week 3, Days 1 and 2 in the handsome gentleman's awesome workout basement in front of the mirror, and my legs look SO awesome during lunges. I actually really like the mirror because I can see that I'm doing the moves with proper form. Don't want any injuries.

Only bummer is I don't want to mess with his weights too much (I picked one of his up that he uses for P90X and I got all impressed) so I just use the minimum weight. I upped the weights today since it was the first time in my living room (shout out to my downstairs neighbor and apologize for all the jump squats and jump lunges that you had to listen to today).

Getting some guns! :D

As an aside, through my journey I've noticed that there are times where we make goals that we're just not ready for. The last couple of times that I tried Ripped in 30 and never made it past the second day of the second week, I don't think I was physically ready for the challenge. Sort of how Couch to 5k gets to up to where you can do a 5k, you generally can't be 100% out of shape and just decide, “oh, I'm going to go run 3 miles today” without seriously regretting the decision afterward.

Take a look at the goals you're setting for yourself. Make sure they're attainable. Of course, always give yourself a challenge. Challenge is what changes you. But don't go crazy. I have never done more than 15 miles in a week running, so if I all of a sudden decide my goal is to run 35 miles this week, that's just crazy unrealistic. You have to let yourself get there. And when you do, you'll achieve and be motivated by the progress you make and motivated to challenge yourself again with an updated goal.

So what fueled my fire this week? So glad you asked... food log here:

Monday:

1^st Breakfast: Protein Shake

2^nd Breakfast: Banana

Lunch: Panera Pick Two, ½ Classic Grilled Cheese, Low Fat Veggie Soup and Chocolate Chip Cookie

Dinner: Veggie and Fruit Juice, Cheese Stick

Snacks: None

Tuesday:

1^st Breakfast: Protein Shake

2^nd Breakfast: Pineapple and Avocado

Lunch: Spinach Salad with Salmon and Avocado

Dinner: Leftover Sesame Chicken over Sauteed Mushrooms and Green Pepper

Snacks: Chobani Bites, Coffee with Dark Chocolate Chunks

Wednesday:

1^st Breakfast: Protein Shake

2^nd Breakfast: Peanut Butter and Banana Oatmeal

Lunch: Sesame Chicken over Salad with a Cheese Stick

Dinner: Spaghetti Squash with Avocado and Egg

Snacks: Chobani Bites, Raspberry with Chocolate Chunks

Thursday:

1^st Breakfast: Protein Shake in Veggie/Fruit Juice

2^nd Breakfast: Vitatop with Peanut Butter and Banana

Lunch: Sesame Chicken over Salad with Cheese Stick

Dinner: SPLURGE NIGHT!! Out to dinner and had a burger and fries.

Snacks: Peanut Butter

Friday:

1^st Breakfast: Protein Shake

2^nd Breakfast: Peanut Butter and Banana Oatmeal

Lunch: Smart Ones – Angel Hair Marinara (only frozen meal this week!)

Dinner: Pork Loin Chop with Mashed Potatoes and Peas

Snacks: Chobani Bites, Pineapple with Caramel and Celery Sticks

Saturday:

1^st Breakfast: Protein Shake

2^nd Breakfast: Panera Strawberry Yogurt Granola Parfait

Lunch: Banana and Egg Pancakes with Peanut Butter

Dinner: Broccoli and Cheese Stuffed Chicken Breast with Pasta and Corn

Snacks: Cheese Stick and Popcorn

So... JUICING!! A new phenomenon I discovered this week. I had traded in a bunch of stuff to Amazon to get enough credit to buy a small elliptical machine. But as you can see, I'm being plenty active without it, so I feared not using it. So I bought a juicer instead. Which was cheaper. And I've been enjoying it!

The first juice I tried was Strawberry, Cucumber, Pineapple and Spinach. It tasted like Strawberry... and that's it. It was a very funky color and felt a little weird drinking that but it tasted fine. Supposedly to figure out the calories for juicing you take the calories of the food itself and then subtract 4 calories for every gram of fiber in those fruits and veggies, because you lose the fiber. On MyFitnessPal there's a way to add the “juice” from certain items and it logs your nutrition so that's the way I tried it the second time. The second juice I made was Spinach, Pineapple, Strawberry and Celery. I mixed my protein shake into that and it tasted just fine.  Yea, check out those glasses.  Classy! 

Today I'm hoping to try out some carrot and broccoli juice and I'll use the pulp to make broccoli cheese soup. Nom.

I had three days of leftovers of the sesame chicken I shared with you last week (downside of cooking for one, because when you cook something big you're eating it forever). I had it over a salad twice and then had it over sauteed veggies, which was actually the best part.

I went crazy and ate something SUPER crazy but it turned out to be pretty fantastic. I had the leftover spaghetti squash from the first night of the sesame chicken. I chopped up an avocado and mixed it in to spaghetti squash that I warmed up. Added an over medium fried egg to the top and then chopped it up and let the yolk run all over. FANTASTIC. It was so freaking good. I had that for dinner Wednesday before running out to dance class. Something fast right after my workout.

Saturday I ventured into a recently Pinterest discovery where you make pancakes with just two eggs and a banana. It really is that easy.

I threw two eggs into my Magic Bullet cup and then mashed up the banana with a fork before I added it, just to make sure it blended well. I mixed the batter up until it looked something like the picture here. It was pretty thin, but once the pancakes started to heat up they seemed to hold together well. There is a fine line between burning these and turning these; they won't release until they're well cooked on the one side. Flip them and cook them a little on the other side. I smeared peanut butter between them because you know, I'm pretty obsessed with peanut butter and banana. Next time, I'll definitely try them with syrup. Probably will taste like French Toast.

I stayed under my weekly food budget yesterday when I went to the grocery because Thursday I'm heading off to enjoy my birthday surprise with my handsome gentleman. Will hopefully get in a run before we leave and I'll try my best to eat nice and healthy things while we're gone. It's pretty easy with him, as he eats healthy too. He'll even take a fork full off my mountain of mashed potatoes to save me a couple calories. What a guy. :)