What You Want

Every other week at the office I've been facilitating “healthy lifestyle support group meetings.” Though the people that have been attending are all interested in losing weight, the purpose isn't necessarily to do that, but rather to adapt our lives to treating ourselves better and practicing healthy habits. The last few meetings I've tried to come up with a topic to talk about because there's only so much you can say about what you're doing to try to stay healthy. This coming week, I'm going to talk about excuses.

In an attempt to not sound mean... which it might come off as mean but really it just is “stern” or “determined” when I say that I'm so tired of hearing excuses. And we have excuses for everything we don't really want to do. It reminds me of one of my favorite pins on Pinterest... the quote that says, “Don't be disappointed by the results you didn't get from the work you didn't do.” It comes down to deciding what you want.

What do you want? If you want pizza, I'm sure there's nothing stopping you there. But maybe you want to lose weight or you want to exercise more or you want to feel great and confident in tank tops this summer. But do you really want it? You MUST want it. You have to want it. Otherwise, there's nothing that's going to keep you from making an excuse to not get it.

Some excuses for not eating healthy and exercising. Just to name a few...

It's too expensive to eat healthy.

I don't have time to exercise.

I'm tired after work and don't feel like exercising.

Food planning and packing lunches is hard work.

I can't think of anything to cook.

Pardon my frankness, but each of these things and probably anything you could come up with for me is complete bullshit. I went to the grocery for the week and spent $41 for myself... last week I got 433 minutes of activity, which represents a whopping 4% of the minutes in my week. I work 25% of the minutes in the week. You don't think I'm tired after a day at work? But I come home and I exercise anyway because it's important to me. Because I want to. Food planning is fun. I love food. I look forward to snack time because I know what I have coming to me. And if you're still reading my blog and you can't think of anything to cook, well, I'm not doing a very good job, am I?

Do you want to get to the point where all of this, all the work, it's just second nature? Do you really want it? It takes work. It takes thought and awareness. It takes your attention. And it's worth it.

There's a flip side to this. And it's something that I struggle with because now that I'm where I want to be I find myself terrified that something is going to happen that is going to make me having to start all over again (hopefully that's not likely). It's okay not to want this. It's okay to be content with how things are. If you don't want it, no one is twisting your arm (except maybe your doctor). But if you feel like you're trying and you feel like you want it, chances are you do. You're just scared or overwhelmed or the things that need to change aren't changing fast enough for you and you're getting discouraged. That isn't the time to make excuses. That's the time to evaluate what you're doing and find something else that works for you. Change what you're eating. Drink more water. Change the type of exercise you're doing. Don't sabotage yourself with excuses.

I think this time last year I talked about trigger foods. About the foods you can't trust yourself with. Today I try and think of a list of trigger foods and I don't have any. I laughingly think to myself that I'm cured of my carb cravings. I can't remember the last time I had a REAL sandwich... with bread. The last time I had real potato chips. And if I did have them it was on a plate, not out of a bag. I have day dreams about apples and peanut butter. I used to make myself two servings of pasta. I could clean my plate at the Olive Garden. I haven't been to the Olive Garden in a year and a half.

I run those healthy lifestyle meetings and I do this blog to remind you that it's possible. Not only to tell you that it's possible, but to tell me that I'm not dreaming. I stay accountable for myself. I stay accountable for you, reading these words now. I stay accountable for my coworkers that come in to work, step on a scale, and talk to me about eating well.

In the spirit of not making any more excuses, I'm happy to report that I've done something non-weight related that I'm really proud of and really excited to get started with. I've been accepted to Graduate School and I'm going to start working toward an MA in English and Creative Writing in Poetry. I've been making excuses for years.

At the end of the last semester of my undergrad, I held in my hand a letter telling me that I was not accepted to graduate school. It had two sentences. It gave me nothing other than telling me that I wasn't what they wanted. I wanted to be a teacher. Maybe I didn't, maybe I didn't really want to be a teacher. I had just been in school for so long, being at teacher felt like an extension of school. It was extension of the comfortable. I knew school. I had 16 years of it under my built. I knew how hallways and class bells and lockers worked. I was used to being around students and teachers. And I loved learning. So it seemed like that was what I should do.

I feel like the whole experience of applying and preparing for this thing that I didn't get to do, it all seems so surreal now. I took the GRE and PRAXIS exams for no good reason. I got good scores. And ever since I held that letter telling me that I wasn't what they wanted, I started to reevaluate what it was that I wanted. I'd fantasized about an MFA in Poetry. Most of those programs, including the one that I found here in New Hampshire, always involve sequestering yourself. Like I have to take a journey to Walden Pond and live off the land until I create this epic opus of my work that stands for something. Made out of my sinew, etched in my bones. No one has time for that. Not someone who has a mortgage and lives on her own and works full time. We don't get to move into Robert Frost's house and write by the flickering firelight.

Then last year, when I was going through the little bit of therapy that I allowed myself, she asked me why I didn't go back to school if I wanted to. My excuse to her was the money. My undergrad is paid off, thanks to the fastidiousness of an ex-husband terrified of debt, so I just felt like creating debt for myself wasn't in the cards. I barely have enough money to pay the bills I have. So what was the use of adding on more bills for a Master's degree I don't need.

She told me it was okay to go back to school.

Then I wondered about the program. Do I really want a Master's in English? What good is it? My excuse then became, well, should I do something that I love or should I do something that will make sense for what I do? Shouldn't I get an MBA or something with organizational leadership. Something that will make me a better office worker? And I thought about it and thought about it. And the excuse is my indecision.

On President's Day, I'm sitting on the couch, drinking my first breakfast, watching the news and there's a commercial for Southern New Hampshire University's online Master's programs, so I flipped through the website to see what they had. And there it was. MA in Creative Writing. All online. No flippant exodus into solitude required. And I'd end the program with a thesis consisting of my poems and with not only a deeper understanding of the thing that I love most but I think of myself too.

When you peel away all the excuses and you see what you really want, the decision is easy.

I put together 6 pages of poems. I write a statement of purpose. I filled out an application and I did a FAFSA for the first time in 7 years (which by the way, is so super easy when you do it with your own tax information and not that of your parent's). And I got an e-mail from my admission counselor that I had been accepted into the program. I'm registered for my first two classes and I've got most of my books already. I start April 1. I'm so excited. I'm proud of myself for getting something that I want. I should really be used to it by now, but the more I focus, the more I achieve and the more I give away my fear of failure... it's becoming second nature and like I should wonder why I ever settled on what I didn't really want.

I doubt it's going to take up that much of my time. I do have a terribly large amount of free time. Bowling will be over on the 18^th, so I'm just going to take a break from organized sports for a while. Besides, softball season is starting soon and I do so enjoy watching my handsome gentleman play his games. I'll just need to make much more time for reading and writing (oh darn). My goal is to get good grades and not give up on my exercising.

Another goal I have to tackle involves emptying out my drawers and closet of clothes that just don't fit anymore and writing down a list of what I need to replace.  I have no shorts or capris to wear this coming spring/summer because they're all huge.  Size 10 doesn't fit anymore... so everything I had to buy last summer is void.  Can't fake this stuff.

This week in review... I'm starting to learn how my body reacts to this new pill and oh boy do I get the munchies like a crazy woman in the final two weeks of the pack. Not the last week as much, but it's essentially like I can eat my weight in anything. Anything that can sit still long enough to be bitten off and chewed and swallowed. That Papa John's pizza that I ordered with that god forsaken half off coupon they sent me went down so easy. But do you know what I didn't do? I didn't order the cinnapie to go with it. Tally mark on the “victory” column. Here's what I ate this week:

Monday

1^st Breakfast: Protein Shake (Almond milk and strawberries with Vanilla protein)

2^nd Breakfast: Peanut Butter and Banana Oatmeal

Lunch: Salmon and Mango Salad

Dinner: Peanut Butter Protein Shake

Snacks: Peach Yogurt and Candy (caaaandy)

Tuesday

1^st Breakfast: Protein Shake (Milk and Cinnamon)

2^nd Breakfast: Peanut Butter and Banana Oatmeal

Lunch: Amy's Medium Organic Chili and Sweet Potato

Dinner: The rest of the Papa John's pizza

Snacks: Candy and a Protein Bar (i.e. candy with protein in it)

Wednesday

1^st Breakfast: Protein Shake (Almond Milk and Chai)

2^nd Breakfast: Vita Top and Banana

Lunch: Lean Cuisine Southwest Chicken Salad Additions

Dinner: Salmon and Sweet Potato

Snacks: Cottage Cheese, Strawberries, and a Deep Chocolate Vitamuffin

Thursday

1^st Breakfast: Protein Shake (Almond Milk and Strawberries)

2^nd Breakfast: Vitabun (English Muffin), Peanut Butter and Banana

Lunch: Veggie Sushi Roll

Dinner: Pork Tenderloin with Shiitake Mushrooms and Broccoli

Snacks: Fiber One Chocolate Cereal and Milk

Friday

1^st Breakfast: Protein Shake

2^nd Breakfast: Vitatop, Peanut Butter and Banana

Lunch: Spinach/Romaine Salad with Blood Orange

Dinner: Leftovers of Pork Tenderloin and Veggies

Snacks: Cookies and Cream Cake (it was a small piece... that I deserved...)

Saturday

1^st Breakfast: Protein Shake

2^nd Breakfast: Vitatop with Peanut Butter

Lunch: Salmon and Peas and Carrots

Dinner: Side Salad, Small piece of garlic bread and veggie lasagna

Snacks: Shake made of strawberry yogurt, almond milk and frozen banana. Also some almonds.

Sunday

1^st Breakfast: Protein Shake (milk and chai)

2^nd Breakfast: Vitabun (English Muffin), Egg and ½ Avocado

Lunch:

Dinner:

Snacks:

Let's go over a few of those things. I'm trying to get as adventurous as I can with my protein shakes because I need to keep them not boring. Sometimes it's just easier to mix up my protein in milk and drink it while doing my hair in the morning and be done with it. But I've taken to breaking out the Magic Bullet in the morning and throwing some fruit in there. I bought a box of straws a couple weeks ago and that has made shakes so much more delicious. It's amazing what a straw can do.

I've also taken to the afternoon snack in such a way that I'm considering changing my meal names on MyFitnessPal to reflect the absolute necessity that the 3:00 PM meal has in my life at the moment. I tried to make them pretty this week.

Second breakfast this morning was a delicious breakfast sandwich. I had a free shipping coupon for Vitalicious so I stocked up on Vitatops, got some Vitamuffins for the first time (the Deep Chocolate legit “muffin” is so soft and delicious), and I also got a couple packages of the Vitabuns to throw in the freezer. They're really good and I feel like they're just more sturdy than your typical english muffin. It's also 100 calories.

Spent the morning at the grocery and I've found that shopping the perimeter of the store does in fact give you the most healthy options. I've also found that I've become that snooty person who buys organic food. It's really not on purpose, I just have in my mind what I want and there isn't a non-organic option at the store. I can buy organic food and still keep to my $40 per week budget. Give me another excuse that you can't afford to eat healthy. I eat a ton of food for $40.

Yesterday's afternoon snack was the bomb. There should always be a frozen banana in your freezer for instances of milk shake. Yesterday I blended ½ of almond milk with a 6 oz container of Stoneyfield Farms Strawberry Blends yogurt and a frozen banana. Don't forget the straw. Oh man. So freaking good.

Luckily the bit of candy obsession that I had this week (and the large pizza) didn't keep me from getting down a little more.  Lost .2 lbs this MONTH.  Yea.  It goes by months now.

That's how I fueled. How did I burn?

Monday: 30 Day Shred, Level 2, Day 6, Bowling and 12 Push-ups

Tuesday: Run to work, 2.75 miles and 15 Push-ups

Wednesday: 30 Day Shred, Level 3, Day 1 and 15 Push-ups

Thursday: 30 Day Shred, Level 3, Day 1 and 15 Push-ups

Friday: REST and 17 Push-ups

Saturday: Run 3.1 miles, beat my PR for mile time with a 8:51 minute mile, and 17 Push-ups

Sunday: 30 Day Shred, Level 3, Day 3 and 20 Push-ups

I really didn't like Level 2 of 30 Day Shred. There were too many reps. It seemed like overkill. It doesn't have the same layout as Ripped in 30 where she does maybe 3 strength exercises and you do them all an equal amount of time. In 30 Day Shred, you start with the first strength exercise in the circuit, do that for 30 seconds, then the second exercise is done for 1 minute. Doing rows for 3 minutes straight is just... irritating. But I made it through and got to Level 3 this week. Only 3 more exercises left in 30 Day Shred. I'm so proud of how I've kept up with exercising this year. I give myself one rest day a week and it's been that way since January 7^th. That's 2 months. Wowza. I've never exercised like this and I love the way I'm changing and I love the way I feel.

On Tuesday I ran to work... which was mostly out of utility because my car was in the shop, but it was nice to get some activity in before work. Unfortunately, the temperatures were colder than I usually run and the sidewalks were really dangerous. I made terrible time and it was an overall bad run. But that's okay. A bad run is better than no run at all and I still burned calories. Yesterday's run made up for it because I ROCKED the HOUSE! I broke my record speed for a mile not once, but technically twice. My first mile and my second mile were both faster than my previous record, first mile clocking in at 8:51 and my second at 9:16. Finished a 5k length in 29:37. I think that's the fastest I've ever done that in a training run. I have a 5k this coming Saturday and I'm so excited to see how fast I go.

A little aside about my running and what I've noticed. I have never been “trained” when it comes to running. I've done my apps and I've read articles and I try to learn what I can about form and ways to train, but I've never done anything organized. I'm finding that the more core strength I have, my runs are becoming easier and faster. I run not only with my legs but with my lower abs and obliques. I can feel them tighten when I speed up. I feel that my breath is stronger and better controlled. My leg strength has really helped too. I feel that I can push off of the ground better and my legs don't get tired. Running 3.1 is now just something I do.

Go out this week and do something that you really want. Find what you want and make it happen for yourself. Success breeds confidence and that breeds more success. Don't settle and don't make excuses. You're worth the hard work.