Mother's Day

There are no 1980's faded photographs of us together because we couldn't exist at the same time. Sometimes, growing up and in my thoughts now, I feel powerful, like infant me had the power to suck the life right out of her, never to speak. And I see how everyone loved her and how I don't. It's true. I can't love my mom. Mom. Mother. Words foreign to lips that never had to scream them, never had to write them. Elementary school me found it redundant and unnecessary to make tissue paper roses in the week leading up to Mother's Day. “Make them for your grandma,” my teacher would suggest when I refused to participate in mandatory arts and crafts. Only someone with a mother would say that. You don't make Valentines for someone else's lover. You can't love someone you've never known.

Every year this particular week builds up a stuffy blanket of stress over me, despite myself. I let so many of my dates go this year. I let my mother's death date glide past me in the excitement of my own birthday, where a handsome gentleman whisked me away to snowy mountains and champagne and jacuzzi tubs. I let my divorce date go past me this year with absolutely no problem. I think I'm long since over that. I've accepted that failing at some things is okay. But unlike when people are bummed on Valentine's Day when they don't have a date, it's a little different on Mother's Day for me. There are two kinds of mothers... the mother you have and the mother you are... and I have neither of those. And the likelihood that I'll have the latter type slowly slips away from me every year. And there's a panic in me over it. And then panic turns to acceptance. And then panic again. And acceptance. Circular and full of fear.

Now that I'm skinny, I feel I look so much more like my dad. It's about time. Resembling someone so dear to everyone else but you gets old fast. Young

Katie got snippy and disrespectful when her grandfather accidentally called her Sue. I could be losing the resemblance too because I'm now over 3 years older than she ever was. I've aged past her face to everyone except the guy checking ID at the door of the bar.

This stress has caused a mighty damaging week for me. Monday I spent 5 hours on homework only to be completely devastated when my professor cut my throat over it. I didn't work out Monday night because I just needed another rest day. I'm starting to need two days off now that I'm lifting heavier. Soon, when the Half Marathon training starts, I'm going to need to lift less and run more. Tuesday I started the Push Phase of ChaLEAN Extreme.

I'm really liking this phase. I now use nothing under 7 pounds and I've used as much as 14.5 on some things... which creates a collective 29 pounds when doing squats and other lower body stuff that I feel fairly strong with. I can't quite do 12 pounds with biceps; I tried and it was just a little too heavy.

Wednesday I ran during lunch. I felt like I hadn't run in a million years, even though it had just been a few days since the obstacle race. I had dance class Wednesday night too, and I sat in the parking lot beforehand, scribbling down a literary analysis paper. I got a 100% on the paper. That helped a little.

Thursday night, like most Thursday nights, I spent with my handsome gentleman and I did the second workout of the Push Phase. Friday my sore hamstrings begged a rest day. Being sore is a delicious thing. Right now my chest is sore. Saturday was the third workout and it had a lot of chest and back. The handsome gentleman's son played downstairs while I lifted weights. He tried doing some of the moves with me. And while I laid on the floor, lifting a 12 pound dumbell over my head and extending it behind me in a long arm extension, he laid a couple feet to my left, doing the same with a large dinosaur. That whole experience was touching and nice; I like knowing that the kiddos don't mind my being around.

Outside of fitness, outside of stressful school, my job this week has been toiling. Frustrations. So when I got a 130.5 on the scale and that's as low as it got on period week I wasn't entirely surprised, because of all the stress, but I won't lie and say I wasn't disappointed. I just want 129.9... I want to see that on my scale. But as long as I'm remaining the same, I can't be picky. After all, I'm lifting heavier weights than I ever have. I'm not going to lose any more weight...

Today I got in one more run... only ran twice this week which has me a little worried about my 12k on Saturday. This coming week is going to have a lot of fun in it... Tuesday I get a half day off from work to watch some middle school softball and some hot boyfriend softball... Wednesday is dance class. I'm worried about fitting in runs and homework and everything I need and want to do. I'm trying to sacrifice nothing. So far so good I guess, so long as you're not looking at my B+ in English...

So... food? I've been so hungry this week. I've eaten peanut butter sandwiches and Popchips for dinner because it's the fastest thing I can get my hands on. I've eaten a lot of candy. Unfortunately there's just not enough healthy food for my appetite at work. Should probably do something about that.

Last Sunday I posted this recipe on Autonomous Eats' Facebook page, but I wanted to show all of the pictures that I took, so I'll repeat the recipe! I saw these pancakes on Pinterest... Cinnamon Swirl Pancakes... and though I don't know all the Paleo rules (something tells me it doesn't include so much sugar...) I call these my Paleo Cinnamon Swirl Pancakes because it uses the 1 banana + 2 eggs = pancakes recipe. You'll need:

2 eggs and 1 banana, blended together until smooth

1.5 Tbsp butter, melted

.5 tsp sugar

2 tsp brown sugar

.5 tsp cinnamon

Mix the sugars and cinnamon in with the melted butter. I put this mixture in a sandwich bag and cut the tip off. The doesn't squirt too well, but hey, it's the taste that counts not the looks! Pour the batter onto your griddle and then swirl the sugar mixture. This is all a single serving recipe, so use as much as you want... just know that I generally get 6 pancakes out of this recipe, so you'll want to conserve a little cinnamon butter for the second batch. Be VERY CAREFUL when flipping these because the butter melts and does something odd to the pancakes, so when you flip it, butter can splash. They're still cinnamon sugary and delicious. Once both sides are cooked, plate them. I topped mine with a half Tbsp of powdered sugar, which makes for 440 calories, 28g fat, 13g protein and 26g sugar. Not the best thing you could eat, but it's got way better stats than anything a restaurant could provide.

Next I just wanted to highlight something that I ate this week that literally knocked my socks off. I finally tried on of the Amy's Organic frozen meals. These enchiladas taste like restaurant enchiladas. I kid you not. And it's organic, so there's that. I bought another one to have this week as well as one of the Light and Lean meals. The enchilada is a cheese enchilada with a corn tortilla (the meal is gluten free) and it comes with corn and black beans that have peppers in them and they taste delicious! 370 calories for the whole thing. Not too shabby.

Finally, and speaking of Amy's, I had a small amount of chili left over and I LOVE Amy's chili. The Medium with Vegetables and the Black Bean chilis are my favorites, though I've warmed up to the Spicy as well. The Spicy has tofu in it. It's like eating meat chili without the possibility of getting gristle in your mouth. Oh, and it's not dripping with grease and fat, so there's that. Anyhow, leftover small amount of chili. I had eggs I needed to eat. I had cheese. So that pretty much demands a chili and cheese omlette. And at 250 calories how could you actually say no to that? You can't...

For this quick recipe (which I ate for lunch before my 5 mile run) I used:

1 egg + 2 egg whites

1 colby jack cheese stick

75 grams of Amy's Organic Black Bean Chili

Do I need to tell you how to make an omelet? If I do, that's okay... Whip up your egg and egg whites like you're making scrambled eggs, rotate your pan around to move the egg about in the pan until the pans surface is covered and the egg is cooking. I'm a fold over kind of person, I like the egg to be a little runny in the center. If you like well cooked eggs, flip the whole thing over before you throw your toppings in. I heated up the chili first to make sure it would be warm and cut up the cheese stick.

It was fabulous... and only 250 calories, as previously mentioned. Oh yum. That's definitely a keeper... you know... if I actually have leftover chili!

This week is going to be tough. But today I turned in the rest of my week's homework, ran 5 miles, watched my gentleman play softball (and win handsomely, I might add!), went to the grocery, and did dishes, so I'm pretty sure I'm up for anything this coming week has for me. My goal is to get in at least two runs before Saturday, which would exclude Friday since I should take a rest day before the race. I'm nervous... but I know I'll finish. It's only a matter of continuing to move forward.