…my mind goes blank. It makes me think about what I'm going to eat next. Secretly I don't want to eat anything else for the rest of the day because I don't want to see this change. But it will change. It'll go up a little. It'll go down a little. It's the emotional roller coaster of weighing yourself every day. Knowing I've been there is enough for me. Sometimes. Then I know it's only a number. There's so much more to health and fitness than a number on a scale because there's so many factors. But knowing I weighed 217 lbs when I was 3-4 years younger... knowing I weighed 180 lbs in high school. Knowing those things and seeing what they are now.
I never thought I could exist this small before.
I got to thinking this week about what I would do if when I meet my goal weight. I'm still a bit indecisive about what that goal actually is. I think it's going to be 150 until I get to 150 and then it'll be 145. And then we'll call it safe. Then I'll try to just stay there for the rest of my life. Hah.
Back when I did Weight Watchers the first time, I had a leader that bought herself a diamond ring when she met her goal. She lost about 105 lbs or something
like that, so hey, get down with your bad self and buy yourself a diamond ring. That wasn't for me. I tried to make myself a midway goal reward. I told myself that if I lost 40 lbs, I could get my memorial tattoo for my grandmother. I lost 34 lbs and then plateaued. I got my tattoo anyway.
I think there's a lesson there.
I don't respond well to incentives. I have this thing where I take what I want and leave it at that.
So to give myself some “thing” to reach toward is kind of backward when the thing that I'm really reaching for is the weight loss. And really, how much do I get when that happens? I'm going to get new clothes. I'm going to feel good and feel pretty and be able to do things that I missed out on while I was bigger (tying my shoes and not being out of breath while doing it has been one of the best things I've gained). I thought about my promising myself my tattoo four years ago and I thought about maybe doing the next one when the weight was all gone just because I can get it on a place that I always thought was going to be fat. Now it's not. But I know I'll do it anyway...
Do you reward yourself with food? Do you reward yourself for going to the gym by having a cookie? Or a piece of cheesecake (omg I'd kill a man for cheesecake right now). Perhaps it's hokey... but maybe we need to stop rewarding ourselves for a job well done since the job well done is reward enough. Live a lifestyle where you don't need the pat on the back; the deeds you do are enough. Stop looking for incentives. We don't get prizes when we do our laundry. We don't get rewards for breathing. To really take on weight loss and healthy eating as a way of life, this needs to be just something that comes naturally. Something that blends in to every day. Because it can never really stop. Lifestyles go on for life.
I've gone to ballet class two weeks in a row now and I'm so happy I decided to go. A couple weeks ago I was pretty sore for the few days following but this past week I wasn't. I haven't gone to the gym at all in the last couple of weeks... the first reason being my hormones were so out of whack I couldn't bring myself to do much of anything than cry, scream or stare down the box of Girl Scout cookies on my kitchen table. I think this past week it was because I'm bored. I'm really tired of it. I'm tired of exercising in front of a bunch of people. Although my body has really changed, sometimes it still makes me uncomfortable.
I know ballet once a week isn't enough to keep the weight off.
I want to run. And it's almost warm. I think I'm going to run soon.
I always say that.
Cooking for yourself and being alone for many meals really takes discipline. I cook a lot of meals now that have multiple servings just to make sure I have something low calorie and healthy already ready for when I'm too tired to cook. If I let myself go... if it was really good... I could very well eat more than my fair share.
But I've really changed. Maybe that should convince me that the plateau isn't a big deal. I'm not going to gain it back. And if I start gaining I watch myself every day... I try to stay accountable as much as possible to myself and to my goal. If I start gaining I can catch myself. I'll never have the need to be 200 lbs again.
I still have a pile of clothes on my bedroom floor that I need to donate. Something inside me is afraid to box them up. I'd say I'll try to do it today... but I don't think I will. Doesn't mean I don't want to...
I haven't started cooking for next week yet, though I have a couple tasty things planned. I did make something really great for lunch last week, so great I made it again for dinner last night. Super awesome, healthy boyfriend liked it... or so he exclaimed through periods of chewing. “This is good...” muffled by a mouthful of food goes straight to this girl's heart.
I made Cooking Light's Creamy Linguine with Shrimp and Veggies but I left a bunch of things out. Also altered the portion size just a bit.
Sometimes it has to do with what I have on hand... and what I want to 
buy. I bought groceries last week for $24 and I like weeks like that. I usually never have two weeks in a row that low because I need to stock up on something the following week. I left out the onion and the carrots. I didn't use broccoli florets, I used chopped frozen broccoli because I already had it in the freezer. I thought it worked really well. The first time I made it I used garlic powder. Last night for the bf I used real garlic. Both times it was scrumptious and rich. The cream cheese really makes you feel like you're having something a lot more fattening than it really is.
The Cooking Light version is still 500 calories a serving... so I didn't save a terrible amount of calories, but there's calories in everything. I have a tendency to leave out ingredients in an attempt to make things go faster. I don't like slaving. I like eating.
This week I spent $31 on groceries. Of course I also bought a bottle of wine and that pretty much used up the remainder of my food budget for the week. Oops... started salivating... maybe it's time to open that bad boy up...
I guess this post is really just talking myself through this plateau. I'm trying my best not to get discouraged. I remember how all the plateaus before this went... but I can't remember how I got over them. I'll just keep doing what I'm doing and hold on for what's waiting for me at the end. Or beginning, however you'd like to look at it.
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