What's goin' on.

You'll have to excuse the stream-of-consciousness feel that I anticipate this post having.  Normally I type up my posts in a word processor and then make sure it has some sort of semblance of topic throughout that is consistent.  Today I don't feel like it but I feel the need to post something.  Because I'm slipping.  And though the internet, completely public version of my woes might not be as therapeutic as maybe an all out spilling of guts, I need something as a reminder that I'm better than this.

I've mentioned the upcoming event that is very stressful at my job.  The same event that put 11 pounds on me last year.  Right now, after a weekend of detox, I've only gained 3.  I was up by 5 most of the week because of the lousy choices that I have made.  And if stress at work were the only thing going on with me, then maybe I'd be okay. 

So wonderful boyfriend, the one that is nice to me and eats vegetables and takes such good care of himself.  The person I've been with while I've lost the last 20 pounds I've lost... he broke up with me last week.  I'm devastated, but I won't lie and say I didn't see it coming.  But two weeks before big stressful job event?  Seriously? 

Then the stress of my breakup and the stress of the event converged in this massive thing at work where I flew off the handle, acted way way way inappropriately, formal reprimand.  Sent home for the day.  And I'm left with the feeling that my life, the one I've known since the start of the year... it's just all falling apart.

I can't afford the food I buy.  Honestly, I should be eating ramen noodles every night, but good-for-you food isn't always cheap.  Especially in New England.  Everything back home is about $1 cheaper... and on a cart full of groceries that adds up.  Everything's more expensive here.  But I love it here anyway.

I'd like to admit to what I've been eating this week.  I've gone to a Chinese restaurant.  I've gone to Wendy's twice.  I've gone to McDonalds for breakfast I think every day this week.  I've gone to Dunkin Donuts.  I hadn't gone to the grocery in nearly two weeks.  5 pounds gained.  And miserable stomach aches and acid reflux and overall fatigue.  You really are what you eat.

So Friday night, I went to the grocery.  I only put healthy items in my cart and when I got home I had a fridge full of good-for-you foods; fresh produce and lean protein and I felt good about it.  I did laundry.  I did my Jillian Michaels yoga dvd.  I relaxed.  And I enjoyed my me-time.  Something I never let myself enjoy because I'm always so worried about everyone else.

I haven't ran since Monday.  I went running through an apple orchard and got scratched by a weed with thorns and my scratches started bleeding.  Which of course sent a love letter to every rabid northeastern mosquito... so my left ankle has been swollen for nearly a week.  I was afraid to run on it.  I didn't want to make it worse.  It's about 97% better.  Still itches around my ankle bone and is just slightly puffy.  Probably helped all the sitting that I did this weekend and Friday night. 

So I'm trying.  But it's difficult.  It's more difficult than usual and I promised myself that I wouldn't let this stress impact my weight loss.  3 pounds I can deal with.  5 is too much.  Since my fridge is full of healthy stuff now, since I've surrounded myself in it, there's no excuses anymore.  The final test will be eating at the actual event.  I will be spending the weekend away from home, staying in a hotel, eating whatever is served at the event and then whatever we decide to grab after the work is over.  I'm contemplating taking some food with me, but there's really no good way to do that, except living off of sugary protein bars (which I do sometimes).

I just don't know. 

I try to remember that I've lost a total of around 64 pounds overall and no one did that for me.  No one strapped me down and fed me good things.  No one told me to exercise.  I did all that by myself.  If I can be selfish about one thing in my life, it's that.  And I really don't want to let one little thing set me back or push me off course for this thing that I accomplished all for me.

I've got a little project in mind.  I literally haven't been single since I was 18.  I've always either been talking to someone or been someone's girlfriend.  And though it's lonely not having someone, maybe it has been a little exhausting for a non-stop 9 years of worrying how someone else is doing and what they're thinking and what can I do to make them happy.

I'm going to create myself a little notebook.  I'm going to fill it with craft ideas.  Projects.  Things I've always wanted to do.  I was hanging out with one of my great new friends and she mentioned that she has never had a guy buy her a drink.  Like you're sitting there, minding your own business, and a guy offers to buy you a drink, not a guy that you're there on a date with.  And I realized that I've never had that either.  I want to go out there and find the things I've never experienced.  I don't want to go pick up someone in a bar... I'm just not that kind of girl nor do I want that kind of guy.  But having that happen is so timeless and normal.  I don't want to keep myself from maybe experiencing things like that.

I've got ballet, which has been on hiatus for the last couple of weeks.  I had to work late three weeks ago and then they postponed adult ballet while they got ready for the little girls' recital... so ballet is back on on Monday.  I've signed up for a kickball league, which starts July 12th.  Unfortunately I'm going to have to miss the first game because that's when my next 5k is.  I'm going to get out there and enjoy myself and meet new people and not sit here and feel sorry for myself.  Try to stay active.

I just needed to talk this through for some motivation.  Because right now... it's almost 10 AM and I still haven't taken a shower.  And that never happens to me.