Week 5 & 6 of 10 - Christmas Treats and Feeling Defeat

I started out this 10 weeks of me getting back in shape and numbering the weeks in my blog posts in hopes that I'd be sharing actual results with you.  Not so much.  And I'm accepting it for a little while here.  I've been feeling a little blah (had some coughing fits today and I've been really lethargic).  I'm trying to eat well, but it seems like when the sun goes down, I go free-for-all.  I eat well all day and then I get home, where the rest of my food lives, and I just gorge myself.

It also hasn't helped my fitness or my ability to do anything other than crawl under the covers with the abundance of cold weather...

I haven't gotten to run in almost 2 weeks and, unfortunately, I haven't done any other kinds of workouts either.  I'm so tired.  I feel just huge and bloated and unmotivated.

I decided to take a step back and look at my body outside of food and exercise.  I've been having terrible breakouts.  Today I woke up with a crazy PMS headache.  Where I used to be able to count on my period for a quick couple-pound weight loss, now it's resulting in weight gains that I can't get rid of--I just feel so abnormal.  Went to the gyno to get my birth control pill changed.  I'm looking forward to starting it up and seeing if it will help my body feel better.  Maybe then I can get motivated again.

Another plan I have to get motivated is a Christmas present that I bought for myself.  On Monday, I should be picking up my Jawbone UP24.  It's one of those fitness/sleep tracker bracelets that I've been in the market for for a while now.  It was between the new Jawbone and the FitBit Force.  I decided to go with the Jawbone mainly because it looks more like a bracelet (so I don't have to hear "what's that around your wrist?" at work) and I liked the way the app looked and the data it seemed to give.

Jawbone also syncs up with my MyFitnessPal.  Which reminds me...  I really shouldn't get myself down about gaining 10 pounds.  I've accepted it.  I even made sure my gains are reflected in MFP and over the past weekend, I met the one-year of logging in milestone.  Even when I went camping up in the middle of nowhere Northern New Hampshire over the summer, I still made sure to log in every day.

I just need to hold on.  I'll get there.  Just need to keep a positive attitude, keep moving, and keep trying to eat right.


Speaking of eating right...  I just got finished making a bunch of Christmas treats for my coworkers.  So here's some recipes for some sugary, fatty goodness!

Apologies that I forgot to take pictures of my Cookies and Creme White Chocolate Bark.  But here's the recipe...

18 Peppermint Oreos (or your favorite flavor)
1 package of white chocolate chips

Prepare Oreos by breaking into smaller pieces.  Hold aside 1/2 cup of Oreo pieces for the top of the bark.

In a double boiler, melt white chocolate chips until smooth.  Remove from heat and mix in Oreo pieces.  The peppermint Oreos have red filling, so the red made the white chocolate red also.

Pour into a 9x9 pan lined with aluminum foil.  Spread evenly.  Top with reserved Oreo pieces and press in gently to secure.  Refrigerate for at least 30 minutes.  Store in refrigerator for up to 2 weeks.

Next up, I made a Cake Batter Chocolate Bark.  For that I used...

1 large package of semi-sweet chocolate chips
1 package of white chocolate chips
1/4 cup yellow cake mix
colored sprinkles

In a double boiler, melt semi-sweet chocolate until smooth.  Remove from heat and mix in 1/3 of your colored sprinkles.  Pour into a cookie sheet lined with aluminum foil.  Place in refrigerator for 15 minutes, then begin preparing the top layer.

In a double boiler, melt white chocolate chips and yellow cake mix together until smooth.  Remove from heat and add another 1/3 of the sprinkles.  Pour on top of existing semi-sweet chocolate.  Spread as evenly as possible.  Top with the final 1/3 of the sprinkles, pressing in gently to secure.  Refrigerate for at least another 30 minutes.  Store in refrigerator for up to 2 weeks.

These were 13-year old girl approved...









The last bark I made was a Trail Mix Chocolate Bark.  Of course you could put anything you like in it... but I chose to use:

1 large package of semi-sweet chocolate chips
1 cup peanuts
1 cup dried cranberries
1 cup pretzel pieces

Prepare pretzels by breaking into small pieces.  Combine pretzel pieces, peanuts, and cranberries into a bowl.  Set aside.

In a double boiler, melt semi-sweet chocolate until smooth.  Remove from heat and mix in 2/3 of the combined mix ins, reserving 1/3 for the top.  Mix well and pour into a cookie sheet lined with aluminum foil.  Spread evenly.  Top with remaining mix ins and press gently to secure.

Refrigerate for at least 30 minutes.  Store in refrigerator for up to 2 weeks.


Have you had enough sugar?  No?  Well, that's good... I have one more...

Of course I got a lot of these ideas off of Pinterest but this one is by far my favorite.  I'm not sure about you, but I love Rice Krispies treats... and I HATE MAKING RICE KRISPIES TREATS!!!  They are messy and sticky and I can never manage to NOT touch them so I get marshmallow goop all congealed on the ends of my fingers.

These are Lumps of Coal Rice Krispies Treats that are a melding of a few recipes I found on Pinterest.  I chose to use:

1/4 cup butter (half of a stick)
10.5 oz bag of mini marshmallows
black food coloring (not gel)
5 cups rice cereal
18 Oreo cookies, cream removed and turned to powder in the food processor

In a non-stick pot (trust me, it makes it easier), melt butter under medium-low to low heat.  Once nearly melted, add mini marshmallows and the cream from your Oreos.  Melt down and add in black food coloring.  When color that you want is achieved, add crumbled Oreos and combine well.  Lastly, remove from heat and add rice cereal.

And mix.

And mix.

And you might need to put the heat back on it so you can actually get it all mixed in.

And mix.

Once all combined, drop in odd shapes onto a parchment paper covered cookie sheet.  Let cool.  These look fantastic and it was fun, though challenging to get them off of the spoon onto the parchment.  I'd recommend using a silicone spatula to mix everything.  It won't damage your pot and it can withstand the heat.

Luckily all of these tasty treats are for my coworkers, so I didn't actually eat any.  I do have the ingredients to make a Oreo Cheesecake Brownie to take over to the handsome gentleman's house for Christmas Eve...  I'll probably end up eating plenty of that.


I'm technically in the middle of Week 6... so I might postpone blog posting again until after Christmas.  I've got some extra days off, so hopefully I'll be able to stay on track and get more active.  I'm sitting here exhausted with a huge headache...

There were a couple of observations I've made over the last two weeks that I wanted to share.  I've been eating a lot more salads... and I wanted everyone to see what a "serving" of croutons looks like...

Depressing.  I know.

Then there's the things that make me happy and keep me going through the day.  I've been mixing my protein shakes in iced coffee... and chasing that with my normal iced tea...

I'd rather drink this than eat candy...

I know my change is coming soon.

Week 3 & 4 of 10 - Pancakes as a Metaphor

Note to self:  Proclaiming that you'd like to lose 10 pounds in 10 weeks is easy.  Actually doing it is really hard. 

Why is it so FREAKING HARD!?!?!?!  I'm ANGRY over it.  Of course that just makes me want to drink a caramel frosty shake from Wendy's (yea... last night).  I haven't blogged since before Thanksgiving week, mainly because of the stress that was last week, so I'm going to cover the last two weeks of my 10 week struggle.  We'll try to figure out how I freaking gained 3 more pounds instead of losing anything...  that makes for 13 pounds that I have to lose now.  Again.  Angry.

Thanksgiving week, as it's been for the last 3 Thanksgivings, is a week all to myself.  My handsome gentleman goes off to kill things, so I get a nice, relaxing week to do what I want to do.  And this particular week, I wanted to work out.  So I did.

My workout log for the last two weeks has been really impressive.  I'm proud if it.  And maybe that's why I've gained weight, because my quads are nearly back to their original "hardness."  I've been sticking to Chalean Extreme and after Week 4 of 10, I'm into the third week of the first phase.  Here's my workout log for the past 2 weeks:

Week 3
Monday:  Pushups and Ab Intervals
Tuesday:  30 Minutes of Chalean Extreme Abs (and walking around with my friend!)
Wednesday:  Chalean Extreme - Burn Circuit 3
Thursday:  Chalean Extreme - Burn Intervals (Cardio)
Friday:  Chalean Extreme - Burn Circuit 1
Saturday:  Chalean Extreme - Burn Intervals (Cardio)
Sunday:  Chalean Extreme - Burn Circuit 2

Week 4
Monday:  REST
Tuesday:  Run 3.12 miles
Wednesday:  REST (more like a mental health day... I went to Best Buy and bought a new laptop)
Thursday:  Run 2.61 miles and Chalean Extreme - Burn Circuit 3
Friday:  Run 3.1 miles and Chalean Extreme - Burn Circuit 1
Saturday:  REST
Sunday (Today):  Later, at the HG's house planning Chalean Extreme - Burn Circuit 2

It's not like I've been sitting around doing nothing...

It has to be what I've been eating.  Or maybe I am just rebuilding my muscles and they haven't had a chance to burn the fat yet.  It would take a long time to talk about all the food I've been eating.  I really did behave during Thanksgiving week except for the AMAZING food that I partook of with my friend down in Connecticut.

This past week, not so much.  HG came back from his trip which lead to extra snuggly happy time, which snowballed into not getting to the grocery until Wednesday night, which lead to eating out...  Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday...  so I didn't really get back on track food-wise until Thursday.  And then yesterday was a little screwy.  I'm going to try very hard to make today a good day.

I get in these moods when I've gained weight where I just don't want to consume things.  I feel like I'm way too full.  So this morning, when I normally would have a protein shake and then at 10:00 have some more breakfast, I decided to combine the two and make protein pancakes...

And then I looked at my list of recipes, which you can now view at this link, and I noticed that I didn't have a recipe for protein pancakes!?!?!  How on earth could that be?  So here's one...

Chocolate Chip Protein Pancakes

120 grams of Bisquick Heart Healthy
1 egg white
2/3 cup unsweetened almond milk
1 scoop Designer Whey chocolate protein powder
1.5 Tbsp mini chocolate chips

I decided to use my Blender Bottle to mix it up... I'd seen a Pinterest pin about making pancake mix in a blender bottle.  And we all know I try things so you don't have to...  I wouldn't call it a disaster, but you do have to dig the little metal ball out and continue to mix it.  But the pouring really helps!  No dripping and no mess.

By now, if you read my blog, you know how to make pancakes.  I pretty much rock at pancakes.  Which is funny.  I used to suck so bad at pancakes because I'm sort of impatient.  You have to wait for one side to cook and you have to be good at knowing when that is based on what the raw side looks like.

I'm stuck in this rut of weight gain in the same way it takes practice to learn how to make pancakes really well.  I am out of practice.  The weather is colder.  I'm discouraged.  I'm burning my proverbial pancakes.

But it will get better.  I'll get back on track.  Things are falling into place and I just need to get to where my brain catches up with me.  And eventually, these muscles I'm building will help me.  I'll get back to normal.  Here's to hoping that Week 5 has some better news. 

"fitspiration" and a 10 Pound Challenge

Please pause a moment while I vomit up all of my excuses:

1.  Leg surgery
2.  Side tattoo
3.  Boyfriend broke up with me
4.  Got back together with said boyfriend
5.  Graduate School

That's why I haven't been blogging and why I've gained 10 pounds.  I'm done being 10 pounds heavier.  Now on with the blog post...


I've seen a lot of hate for the "fitspiration" movement online mostly due to the hardcore-ness of the statements.  Just in case you don't know what I'm referring to... here's a couple examples:

I'm pretty sure that my pinning these on my "Get Fit" Pinterest board has resulted in more than one person unfollowing me, but I honestly think these statements are a GOOD thing.  Here's why:

 1.  Let's exercise some common sense.  Working out will not make you pass out.  It'll only make you puke it you just ate hot wings or drank three glasses of milk.  It's the idea of pushing past your comfort zone.  Encouraging people to work out at their bare minimum doesn't promote change.  If you never challenge your body, you may not get where you want to go.

2.  The feelings of power is an empowering thing.  In believing that you are doing fantastic things, you become fantastic.  You also learn as you go.  When I work out with a video, I don't do side lunges exactly the way they tell me to.  I know that I need to have my feet spread a little not-parallel or I'm going to tip over.  Not every single thing is perfect for every single person. 

3.  "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"  Yea.  It's absolutely true.  Don't get me wrong, I love cake... but the feeling of strength?  The feeling of getting out of bed and not hurting?  Taking the stairs and not being winded?  Yea, those are all better than cake... and they last a lot longer.

These are the reasons why it motivates me.  I have to feel powerful to exude power.  I have to know it's okay to be uncomfortable during my workout.  If you don't sweat, you're not getting the most out of it.  And that's okay, if all you want to do is move.  It's perfectly fine.  It's good for your heart and good for your body to get up and move around in any capacity.  But I want to bound over walls and someday do a pull up.  There's a difference between fit and healthy.  And that's okay.

Speaking of motivation... guess who gained 10 pounds since summer?  Thaaaaat'd be me.  And I recently felt my thighs start to rub together again...  no.  Not again.  It's on, 10 pounds.  Blitzkrieg your ass.

Things I know are that blogging my workout log and my food log makes me behave.  I know that running alone won't do it... since I gained 4 pounds toward the end of Half Marathon training over the summer.  I need to stop the bad habits I picked back up.  Here's my plan.  My goal is to be back at 129 in 10 weeks.  That's only a pound a week. 


Plan:

Eat well
Work out

Simple.  And so far so good.  I went to the grocery Sunday and loaded up on fresh veggies and fruits.  Lunches this week are delicious salads, which I know help me.  I've completed the first week of Ripped in 30 again.  I'm running during my lunch hour.  This is the start of something good.

I joke with myself that I gained 10 pounds back just to give myself something to do...

Since it's been so long since I've blogged, I haven't shared my tattoo!!!  I got this a week after my half marathon, which of course lead to soreness...  also got it a week before I had a benign cyst removed from the back of my leg so, you know, afraid of ripping stitches out...  so I'd been pretty lazy.  One more reason I gotta get back in shape.  I have a hot side tattoo!  :P

So let's all get some renewed motivation!  10 pounds.  10 weeks.  Own it.

Breasts vs. Half Marathon Training

If you're like me and fitness hasn't exactly been your thing for most of your life, you learn things every day that you didn't know before. The thing I'm learning now? Sports bras wear out. I just never thought of that type of thing, but they do. You wash them, you wear them, they stretch, they shrink back... it's tough on the elastic and eventually they just don't hold up to an hour straight of bouncing bust. And then your trapezius muscle starts to hurt on your right side and you're trying to run and force your shoulder blades together to ease the pain. Maybe that's just me...

So I finally broke down and bought a couple new sports bras, especially because my mediums were obviously too big. I think the strap under the boob area could actually be pulled down to my navel. Okay, I exaggerate...

Picked up a couple EXTRA SMALL sports bras and ran with one of them this morning. Definitely helped. I still really should double bag because despite the fact that a large quantity (emphasis on the tit) of my weight loss over the past year has come right off the FRONT, there's still that whole moving thing and gravity and yea... doesn't go well with the running.

And running is what it's all about now. Today actually should have been the day that I shared with you the 60 day results from ChaLEAN Extreme, but I'm now a week behind. Really, I'm only two workouts behind but I want to repeat the whole three workouts... and I'm going to have to be more realistic about how I do it. It's Half Marathon training time. Sacrifices must be made to get that one rest day a week.

I'll go through my week and share how I'm UP FREAKING FOUR POUNDS (it's nearly mother nature time, so I'm trying not to get too down on myself) and how I put in 13 miles this week.

Monday: MEMORIAL DAY!!! That means all kinds of memorial things but really for me all it meant was a day off from work to get my run on and get my homework done. Unfortunately, there wasn't so much emphasis on the homework, but at least the running was accomplished. Memorial Day was the Day 1 of Half Marathon training for my first ever Half Marathon on September 8^th!!! I'm pretty stoked and every day I'm so sure that I can do it. Running has done so much for my belief in myself.

I'm following the beginning Half Marathon training in my Half Marathon/Marathon Runner's World guide. The program is 10 weeks but I have 14 weeks until my race, so I'm doubling up on some of the weeks (this will also help just in case I get sick or if something happens that I can't fit in the proper length run). The first couple of weeks are easy to figure out and this week it goes: 2 mi, 4 mi, 2 mi, 5 mi LSD (long, slow distance).

That means Monday was 2 miles. Nailed it. 2 miles is pretty standard for me now... I go down the street a mile, turn around, and come back. I've also started using MapMyWalk (because I had already bought it and I see no use in buying MapMyRun since I can track running on the walking one...) to track my runs instead of Bridge to 10k. I decided this because 1) you don't put in a goal into MapMyWalk. You just go. And 2) it tells you your pace and your splits at every mile without having to look at the screen, which is helpful when you're trying to keep a certain pace (even if you suck at pacing, like me).

The cool thing about MapMy(Insert Exercise Here) is the data you get from it! And I'm kind of a data junkie! I love keeping track of where I ran, how fast I ran, what the weather was like... and this app will tell me what the elevation was (it bases calories off this information too) and it tells me how I did compared to other people who have ran on similar streets.

Back to Monday...

Tuesday and Wednesday:  To be frank, I ate like a pig.  I've been eating like a pig.  I can't eat enough lately which makes me do things like eat out and eat bad things because I run out of good things and because bad things are generally faster to prepare (i.e. open a bag).

Wednesday I met a friend for dinner (shout out to her, because I know she reads this!) and I went home with every intention of getting in some weight lifting.  I had so much homework on my brain that I couldn't get through the workout.  I stopped midway.  I've not done that in forever.  Of course, that's what the weight of a 15 and a 12 page paper (both due a week from today; one is now complete, one has not been started yet) will do to you.

Thursday:  Someone forgot to tell New Hampshire that it isn't Kentucky... because I went to my car to head to work and the air felt like a Kentucky morning.  And then by the time I got off from work, it was 90 degrees.  Last year, I didn't run in the month of July because, honestly, I run my best at 40-50 degrees.  What's changed from this year?  Oh, I can run in shorts and a tank top now and I don't think I look like a hippo going all Fantasia down the road.  Seismic activity in the thighs and belly.  No more.  I should know, I check myself out in the windows I pass.  Gotta be sure.

I wasn't going to let the temperature get me down, and since I couldn't run until after work anyway, the sun was lower in the sky so there was a ton of shade on my route.  I started at the Handsome Gentleman's house and ran my 4 miles; I took a little bottle of watered down Gatorade with me.  I'd ran this loop a few times before, but I was proud of that first mile.  The first .8 mi is all up hill and that hill is no joke.  

Cool is that that first portion of the run is actually a "course" on MapMyWalk, so I now have 8th place on that course!  Something tells me everyone else was going the OTHER way...

Came back afterward and made gigantic and tasty salads... so that was at least a better food choice.

Saturday:  Another 2 miles.  This time I wanted to switch it up because, like the day before, it was 90 degrees and I thought it'd be a good idea to run at noon (I had homework and if I didn't run then, it wasn't happening).  I took some water with me, which I never do for 2 miles, but I did it because of the heat.  I also tried to find places that had a lot of tree shade, which is why I decided to run the blocks around the cemetery.  It's very shady there.

 Not as fast as I would have liked, but again, 90 degrees.  My forearms were sweating.  

Sunday (Today):  Last night I spent some time out with a friend drinking alcohol, eating food (we both had salad... and split dessert... so it could be worse), and watching the Bruins beat the pants off some Penguins!  I got home after midnight but I wanted to get up and do my run.  I managed to get out of bed at 7:30, drank my protein shake, put my hair up, put one of my new sports bras on, and hit the street.  This route I've done several times because I really enjoy crossing the river here in Manchester.  It's really something.  I love water.

This is the run for the week that was supposed to be long, slow pace.  They equate it to being able to hold a conversation while running.  Of course, I don't run with anyone else (don't take that as an invitation to attack me, cuz I be kicking yo ass...) so I don't really want to be that kid who is mumbling to themselves to keep pace.  So I tried just going slower than I normally would.  When I hit the first mile, the app told me I had just run a 10:41 mile... and I was shooting for 12:00.  So... that didn't work.  Then, as you can see from the data above, the second mile wasn't much better.  Then I think I started to slow down a bit.  It was warm... it's supposed to be another 90 degree day today, but when I got out there it was 75 with a 100% cloudless sky.  That sun was warm.  I tried to get in as much shade as I could.  I did put sunscreen on, so there's that.  

I know this summer I'm going to have some hot sports bra tan lines.

So that's a total of 13 miles for the week.  Nailed it.  I did all four workouts.  I'm really trying to take this Half Marathon training one workout at a time.  That's why I love the data so much.  Each run is its own unique little snowflake... sometimes I go fast like I want to... other times I just get to enjoy the fact that I'm doing something fabulous for my body.  

I have no food recommendations this week.  I ate bad.  I'll admit it.  We people that seem to have it all together don't always have it all together.  I am learning though that if I do my homework here in my back bedroom instead of in the living room, watching television, I'm less likely to want to eat.  I'm also trying to limit the number of snacks I have around... but sometimes that can be bad.  If I have no little snacks, I reach for big ones...  big, bad ones.  Polar seltzer water is my savior.

What's going on this week?

Well, I'm repeating Week 1's Half Marathon training, so it'll be 2, 4, 2, 5 miles again.  I have a golf tournament to work for work on Wednesday.  I'd really like to do at least 2 ChaLEAN workouts this week (savings the final workout for the second phase for the beginning of next week and then I'll do some pics and stats on that before I start the third and final phase).  I have to turn in my papers at the end of the week.  This first term of Grad school is almost over and if I've only gained 3-4 pounds of water weight over it here at the end, I can say I've accomplished much.

So long as I can find the time like I did today, tune in next week to see how week 2 of the training went.  I hate that I can't post very often anymore, but sacrifices must be made in order to keep the most important things going in my life.  Splitting my time between work, running, homework, and the handsomest boyfriend ever is a challenge I'm willing to kick ass at.

brussel sprouts for one

I hate being single.  I know I should love it.  You know, do what you want when you want, answer to no one, don't have to worry about anyone else's feelings blah blah blah.  But I hate it.  I like having someone to think about.  I like the idea that someone is thinking about me.

Right now I get really upset and feel really hurt when I think about someone.

Today I wrote myself a sticky note and stuck it to the picture frame I keep on my desk. 

I feel so pathetic to have to constantly remind myself of this.  With the stress of work the past couple of weeks I really let my diet go.  This past weekend I worked really long hours then had way too much alcohol and way too much food.  I'm up 7.5 lbs.

But I think it'll all go away soon.  That time of the month is neigh and that always drops some weight... then I think I just need to enjoy lots and lots of water and try to get back to normal.  Unfortunately, I'm so exhausted from this weekend, the weekend that literally felt like it lasted a month, that all I've wanted to do the past couple of days is sleep.  I'm generally not like that, so that tells me I need the sleep.

Tonight I didn't want to spend too much time at the stove and I didn't want to use the oven because it's a little warm tonight.  I had some veggies in the fridge that needed to be eaten.  I sort of over ate, but most of what I had was vegetables, so I probably won't feel over full for long.

I will call this Brussel Sprouts with Bacon and Pesto.  It combines a couple things that I really appreciate:  precooked bacon and the ability to buy brussel sprouts individually!

Here's what you'll need:

1-9oz package of sliced mushrooms
5-7 brussel sprouts, quartered with stems removed
3 slices of precooked bacon
1 serving of egg noodles, cooked
1 Tbsp pesto
2 tsp olive oil

Cook your egg noodles according to package directions.  In a medium skillet, heat up the olive oil.  Add brussel sprouts and cover.  Cook a little bit before you add in the mushrooms and recover.  You might want to add in a couple tablespoons of water to get some steam going inside. 

Once pasta is cooked, drain and return to pot.  Stir in pesto. 

Cut bacon up to bite sized pieces and throw into veggie mixture to warm through.  Once veggies are cooked to your liking, stir in to noodles and pesto mixture.

This recipe made a gigantic serving.  And it was delicious.  And I'm so full!  You could absolutely have leftovers with this.  But if you eat the whole thing it's something like 500 calories.  But hey... half of that is the pasta.  The rest of the stuff is pretty good for you.

I'm looking forward to my life getting back to normal.

I'm also looking forward to the week of vacation I have coming to me at the end of July.  I'm not exactly looking forward to spending it alone. 

But my kickball league starts next week... and I'm trying to research things in my city that I would be interested in.  Looks like the same night as my kickball games they have open mic poetry nights at a bar here in town.  I'd never participate, but it might be awesome to check out.  Might also be some handsome poet that I could bat my eyelashes at.

I'm afraid that for the first time that I'm afraid to open myself up to anything for fear of getting my stupid little heart smashed into a million pieces.  At least I'm trying to let it get put back together before I let someone get their hands on it.

At least I still have food.  And myself.

What's goin' on.

You'll have to excuse the stream-of-consciousness feel that I anticipate this post having.  Normally I type up my posts in a word processor and then make sure it has some sort of semblance of topic throughout that is consistent.  Today I don't feel like it but I feel the need to post something.  Because I'm slipping.  And though the internet, completely public version of my woes might not be as therapeutic as maybe an all out spilling of guts, I need something as a reminder that I'm better than this.

I've mentioned the upcoming event that is very stressful at my job.  The same event that put 11 pounds on me last year.  Right now, after a weekend of detox, I've only gained 3.  I was up by 5 most of the week because of the lousy choices that I have made.  And if stress at work were the only thing going on with me, then maybe I'd be okay. 

So wonderful boyfriend, the one that is nice to me and eats vegetables and takes such good care of himself.  The person I've been with while I've lost the last 20 pounds I've lost... he broke up with me last week.  I'm devastated, but I won't lie and say I didn't see it coming.  But two weeks before big stressful job event?  Seriously? 

Then the stress of my breakup and the stress of the event converged in this massive thing at work where I flew off the handle, acted way way way inappropriately, formal reprimand.  Sent home for the day.  And I'm left with the feeling that my life, the one I've known since the start of the year... it's just all falling apart.

I can't afford the food I buy.  Honestly, I should be eating ramen noodles every night, but good-for-you food isn't always cheap.  Especially in New England.  Everything back home is about $1 cheaper... and on a cart full of groceries that adds up.  Everything's more expensive here.  But I love it here anyway.

I'd like to admit to what I've been eating this week.  I've gone to a Chinese restaurant.  I've gone to Wendy's twice.  I've gone to McDonalds for breakfast I think every day this week.  I've gone to Dunkin Donuts.  I hadn't gone to the grocery in nearly two weeks.  5 pounds gained.  And miserable stomach aches and acid reflux and overall fatigue.  You really are what you eat.

So Friday night, I went to the grocery.  I only put healthy items in my cart and when I got home I had a fridge full of good-for-you foods; fresh produce and lean protein and I felt good about it.  I did laundry.  I did my Jillian Michaels yoga dvd.  I relaxed.  And I enjoyed my me-time.  Something I never let myself enjoy because I'm always so worried about everyone else.

I haven't ran since Monday.  I went running through an apple orchard and got scratched by a weed with thorns and my scratches started bleeding.  Which of course sent a love letter to every rabid northeastern mosquito... so my left ankle has been swollen for nearly a week.  I was afraid to run on it.  I didn't want to make it worse.  It's about 97% better.  Still itches around my ankle bone and is just slightly puffy.  Probably helped all the sitting that I did this weekend and Friday night. 

So I'm trying.  But it's difficult.  It's more difficult than usual and I promised myself that I wouldn't let this stress impact my weight loss.  3 pounds I can deal with.  5 is too much.  Since my fridge is full of healthy stuff now, since I've surrounded myself in it, there's no excuses anymore.  The final test will be eating at the actual event.  I will be spending the weekend away from home, staying in a hotel, eating whatever is served at the event and then whatever we decide to grab after the work is over.  I'm contemplating taking some food with me, but there's really no good way to do that, except living off of sugary protein bars (which I do sometimes).

I just don't know. 

I try to remember that I've lost a total of around 64 pounds overall and no one did that for me.  No one strapped me down and fed me good things.  No one told me to exercise.  I did all that by myself.  If I can be selfish about one thing in my life, it's that.  And I really don't want to let one little thing set me back or push me off course for this thing that I accomplished all for me.

I've got a little project in mind.  I literally haven't been single since I was 18.  I've always either been talking to someone or been someone's girlfriend.  And though it's lonely not having someone, maybe it has been a little exhausting for a non-stop 9 years of worrying how someone else is doing and what they're thinking and what can I do to make them happy.

I'm going to create myself a little notebook.  I'm going to fill it with craft ideas.  Projects.  Things I've always wanted to do.  I was hanging out with one of my great new friends and she mentioned that she has never had a guy buy her a drink.  Like you're sitting there, minding your own business, and a guy offers to buy you a drink, not a guy that you're there on a date with.  And I realized that I've never had that either.  I want to go out there and find the things I've never experienced.  I don't want to go pick up someone in a bar... I'm just not that kind of girl nor do I want that kind of guy.  But having that happen is so timeless and normal.  I don't want to keep myself from maybe experiencing things like that.

I've got ballet, which has been on hiatus for the last couple of weeks.  I had to work late three weeks ago and then they postponed adult ballet while they got ready for the little girls' recital... so ballet is back on on Monday.  I've signed up for a kickball league, which starts July 12th.  Unfortunately I'm going to have to miss the first game because that's when my next 5k is.  I'm going to get out there and enjoy myself and meet new people and not sit here and feel sorry for myself.  Try to stay active.

I just needed to talk this through for some motivation.  Because right now... it's almost 10 AM and I still haven't taken a shower.  And that never happens to me.   

Joyous Eating

Consuming food this week has been a delight. I got to have so many tasty things and they were all good for me and made me feel good. I had hummus and carrots for my snack at work, trying to cut back on the number of Special K bars that I have weekly (oh hey, 15 grams of sugar). I traded in my sugar-filled Odwalla protein shakes for whey protein... and when you mix vanilla whey protein shake mix in orange juice, it kind of tastes like a dreamcicle and an orange julius made a baby. A glorious baby. Doing it with Tropicana Pure Premium is decadent... but it even tastes good using Trop 50, which by the way has just as much Vitamin C with 50% less sugar. And no, I don't work for Tropicana, I just have a VERY bad view of juice.

I got ample protein this week, which is always my weakness. I tracked my food every day. I even indulged in some things that weren't necessarily “good for me.” I had Chinese one night. I had pizza for lunch one day. I had Boloco for lunch on Good Friday. I also spent Good Friday at the outlets buying some new clothes. It's always nice when you have a store credit and you buy twice as many pairs of pants as the store credit had previously purchased you. I'm enjoying pants in size 10 and 12. I'm enjoying medium tops. Slightly addicted. But not having any summer clothes that fit... that sort of leads to the purchase of new clothes. But I think I'm good now. I've always been a normal t-shirt kind of person... but now I've got a few more flattering spring/summer tops and a few pair of shorts, so I'm good to go. Now if only the New Hampshire weather would cooperate. 47 and sunless today. I have on a sweater.

Before we stray for the topic of food, and since I had Boloco for lunch on Friday, I'd like to share with you a passion of mine... and that is the “burrito” restaurant. I've been to a few... and if you know of others in my geographic area I'd love to find more to further the experiment. It's a funny story because me and Mexican food were not always friends. In fact, when I was a kid, the only thing I would eat at a Mexican restaurant was cheese enchiladas. And if I recall correctly, I didn't like it very much... but it was something. The thing that turns me off is the refried beans. I like beans as much as the next person who also likes beans, but it goes back to that aversion to ground beef. I like to chew my own food. I don't need someone to do it for me before it goes on my plate. I am not now, nor have I ever been, a baby bird.

So Boloco is a Boston based burrito place that I discovered 1) because it was next to the Natick Mall which I went to one time and 2) because there's a location in Concord, NH. This place is awesome. The variety is amazing and I know that if I went there more often I'd be more confident to try out some customization, but the line is always long and I HATE those people who stand in a long line and then have no idea what they're ordering and ask too many questions... so I think that I've possibly missed out on some things since I care about the other humans on the planet. Another notable thing about Boloco is they have recycling next to the trash can, which always makes me smile. Of course, then you get people like me who are confused because the cups are actually compostable because they're made out of plants... so... does that go in the recycling bin? If I put it in the garbage, am I keeping it from bio-degrading to its full potential?

I've supplied for you a chart of the current burrito establishments that I have been to. This is of course mostly made up of my opinion, but I will let you know what those places have, which is fact. If they aren't on the list I haven't tried them and would LOVE to hear about a new place. Here we go:

Restaurant	Locations	Variety	Pros	Cons	Katie's Overall Rating
Qdoba Mexican Grill	They have locations all over the country. Unfortunately for me, the closest is on the outskirts of Boston. There are many in Boston and other larger cities.	Quesadillas, burritos, tacos (hard and soft), salads, soup, naked burritos, nachos... not to mention all the salsas, queso... lots of different proteins (including vegetarian black beans).	Crazy number of combos available. I love the queso... I think it offsets the cold salsa to warm up an otherwise cold burrito. They have poblano pesto, for heaven's sake... Best chips.	You'd be surprised at how fast the calories can add up. These burritos are HUGE. And they aren't very good reheated. Add cheese, queso, sour cream (if you're into that) and yowza...	A: I can't deny my love for Qdoba. It took me a while to be won over... but once I discovered the veggie queso burrito (with squash, btw) I could never have another love. A+ for when they build one in NH.
Chipotle Mexican Grill	There are 4 in NH now. I hadn't tried it until I moved here. Could be found in north eastern parts of KY. Something tells me it's super popular around the country since they mentioned it on South Park, but their locations map isn't as good with the big picture.	Not a lot when compared to others. Meat variety is solid, but they only have peppers & onions when it comes to vegetables. They only have burritos and tacos on the menu, but my Chipotle will make a quesadilla if you ask. That's essentially a burrito folded in half and put on the steamer...	They offer brown rice. Calorie-wise it makes very little difference and I LOVE the cilantro lime rice there as well as other places. Also, if “clean” food is important to you, they don't use meat with hormones and they find ingredients that show “respect for the animals, the environment and the farmers.”	The variety. I would love to see more veggie options there. I'd also like to see some nachos. But to give them credit, with the lack of variety comes lower calories. I can lose weight and eat here. I really can't do that at some of these others.	A-/B+: They get credit for being within a 5 minute drive of my house. I do like the food and I do eat there a lot. Pretty inexpensive for quality food pretty fast. I also like that guac comes free on a veggie burrito... and if you don't want guac that they, they subtract the price from your bill.
Boloco “Inspired Burritos”	19 locations, mostly in MA. 2 in NH and 1 in VT.	The variety I think surpasses any of the other places. They have mango salsa. They have different sauces and rices. They even have SIZES. They have tofu. Broccoli. Cucumbers. You get the idea.	SIZES!!! You can get a small! The sizes are regular, small, mini or a mini bundle (two minis). This is a big deal when you're trying to watch your portions. They also have bacon.	They don't have much in the way of chips. The big deal at the previous two are those house made tortilla chips with the sea salt and lime. They're fantastic. These chips are obviously pulled from a bag in the back.	A: They get an A+ for the sizes. I wish all of these restaurants would use this as an example. But they have so much variety it's hard to not only decide but hard to order too. They have to ask you way too many questions. Not enough locations either, but it's a good place to eat.
Moe's Southwest Grill	There are tons of locations. None of them are in NH. I had Moe's way back when in KY and then I have had it since in MA.	It's getting better. I used to have the problem of knowing exactly what I would eat (and not liking it very much) to now they have so many more options. Good effort. They have queso, which is about the only thing I like about this place. And you can get a small queso with your automatic chips that come with your burrito.	The queso. And the fact that you get a small amount of chips with your order. I think that kind of variety should be incorporated at all of these locations. But, it's hard to offer people chips on the side when your burrito is the size of their head. The Moe's burritos are slightly more modest, though still huge.	The meat grosses me out, sorry to say. I'm sure the worst possible way I could describe it would be canned meat (while not equating it to pet food, which I could do...). Unfortunately, there's no “veggie” burrito that I noticed... so you're kind of stuck with it. They do have tofu now.	B-/C+: I appreciate a good effort, but I just don't care for the taste. I never actually finish a burrito there, but the chips and queso are nice. If I had the choice between Moe's and somewhere, else, I'd go somewhere else, but if it's all that's open, then sure. It just takes a minute to find what I'll settle for.
Dos Amigos Burritos	This is much more local. 5 locations in NH.	The variety made me want to try this place. I've only eaten there once, but they have some awesomely appealing veggie options. Portabello mushroom. Spinach. Sweet potato!!!	Variety is good. Lots of different veggies, salsas and sauces. They also have chili. They have nachos too.	How can I put this positively? It's cold. And their chips are gross. They also don't tell you that chips come with your burrito (or I just didn't notice if they do) so when you order chips, you then have a lot of chips that you could have bought at the store for cheaper.	C: I'll give them another try, eventually, but very rarely is there a place that makes me not want to give it another try.

I do enjoy food. That chart was pretty fun...

There's some food that I tried for the first time this week that I wanted to share. I actually had avocado by itself! I've enjoyed guacamole and I like avocado in sushi, but I hadn't been brave enough to just eat it. Put some olive oil on it and had it with bow tie pasta. Delicious. I felt bad about eating the whole thing, since it's so high in calories (albeit better ones than a cheeseburger) so I only ate half. And then following directions from the internet on how to keep the other half from going bad... that didn't work. Damn those sensitive foods.

Another thing I tried this week was Popcorners. They're these chips made out of popcorn, I guess. But they're really good. I tried the Kettle flavor and then while at the grocery this week I picked up the White Cheddar, though haven't tried it yet. I'm considering ordering a multipack off of their website because they have a jalapeno flavor! They're tasty.

As for weight loss. I was up 1 lb. And I logged it. It's almost time for my finicky Aunt Florence to arrive, so that always leads to weight loss. Looking forward to that for just that reason alone.

Lastly, for exercise this week I completed the first week of the Couch to 5K program. I walk/ran around my neighborhood and it felt really good and I enjoyed it very much. I didn't turn on the GPS feature the first time so I'm not sure how far I went exactly, but between the second and third I improved my time so that's good. I'm looking forward to week 2. Not sure why I can't bring myself to go to the gym. I'm feeling slightly antisocial. And bored by the hamster wheel.

A Change in Perspective

This weekend was the first time in a VERY long time that my shopping cart at the grocery looked like that of a crazy healthy person. It was also the first time since I started this blog back in October/November that I let myself just shop. I used my credit card for groceries. I had a couple coupons, but I needed food. And I needed food that was good for me. I needed to surround myself with things that I could easily grab that would give me a healthy decision. It's not that my house was full of junk; on the contrary. My house had nothing. It's been a hard week. I spent $99. My budget is $40.

I did start a blog post last week (March 19-25) which I will share an excerpt from... the post as a whole is mostly irrelevant now, and you'll learn why... but I wanted to tell you what I had to eat that week:

Monday night for dinner I can't even remember what I ate. I came home from work, sat down, and then got back up when it was time for ballet class. I think I might have had some Lean Cuisine spring rolls. (Obviously, I didn't track my food this week or else I would know...).

Tuesday I hadn't fixed the stuff for my other lunch meal, so we called out for subs. I was good. I got my sub in a wrap which was tasty. I don't eat mayo or anything, so sandwiches are never all that terrible for me. They're not the best thing ever, but hey, it wasn't deep fried.

I came home Tuesday and cooked the stuff to make Chicken Bomb wraps for the next two days at work. I had the last serving of Eggplant Involtini and that was good again.

Wednesday I had my chicken bomb wrap at work... and then came home and ordered a steak and cheese calzone at the local pizza place because I so wanted to walk down the street and get it. Of course, the disgusting guy giving me the once over from the bar since I had on shorts and a tank top was kind of disturbing. Especially since he was drunk at 5:15. And had his girlfriend with him.

I ate half the calzone on Wednesday night and half on Thursday night. Friday night I ordered some fried food. Yesterday I split some McDonald's. Today I had Buffalo Wild Wings. Oh. And a whoopie pie.

I'm not a very good role model.

I've been talking myself out of some things recently. The more I think about it the more I was really telling myself in a few of these blog posts that something wasn't right. I've been terribly emotional. Emotional to a fault and so much more than normal (I'm kind of a crier anyway, so it's difficult to know when I'm just being me and when there's something that needs to be addressed).

The “today” I refer to above when I said, “today I had Buffalo Wild Wings,” that was a hard day. I spent the entire weekend out of the house because I was physically unable to spend any time alone with myself. On Saturday I borrowed a friend's kid and took them bowling. On Sunday I ran to the movies, saw Hunger Games (topical, because of the hunger part, right?) and then watched some basketball at B-Dubs. Monday morning at about 1 AM I woke up with heartburn. I used to have chronic acid reflux and would take Mylanta every night before bed. That was back when I weighed over 200 lbs. Now, I really don't need them very often; I've got some TUMS in the cabinet, but rarely need them. So I took a couple, chewed them up, and crawled back in bed. It wasn't heartburn. My stomach hurt so much I couldn't lay flat. I got up and laid on the couch at an incline. By 2 AM I'd vomited everything I had in my stomach.

My initial thought was that one of two things were happening: the first, I ate freaking McDonald's and B-Dubs over the weekend. My body didn't like it and thus is getting rid of it. The second, maybe something I ate wasn't cooked right or contaminated and I had food poisoning.

I tried to get up and go to work that morning. I got in the shower, which was painful. I had my clothes on the bed. I couldn't put them on. I texted my boss for fear of not making it through a telephone conversation without getting sick (and it's a good thing I did too, because that's what happened). In an attempt to not get too graphic, the crazy part was, when one has a stomach bug, there's usually a little more to it than simply vomiting... if you know what I mean. I didn't have that.

So I slept all day. Fast forward to Tuesday where I couldn't stop crying all day long, tried to get work done, made it through the day... cried at home. Wednesday I call the doctor because all of these symptoms feel like it did when it was first discovered that I had Mono. Of course when you're sick the Internet should probably be off limits so I'm reading things about people who have recurring Mono symptoms due to autoimmune disorders and blah blah blah and yea, thinking about all the things that could be wrong with you sort of sucks. I've always been a very healthy person. I was a healthy kid. The worst thing I'd ever had was asthma. I'd always wished I would have gotten at least one night in the hospital as a kid. I thought there'd be ice cream or something.

The doctor called for blood work and an abdominal ultrasound, both of which I've done before when they thought my Mono was gallbladder issues. I couldn't have the ultrasound until the next morning because I'd eaten already that day. They kept throwing CAT Scan around and that just made me more and more upset (not for my health; that shit is expensive) but the only reason they mentioned it was because you can have those after having eaten food. I went to the hospital and had my blood done. I spent most of the afternoon switching phone calls with the doctor's office. Later the nurse (who by the way was AWESOME and I'm considering a thank you note for how nice she was to me and you'll know why soon) called me to let me know that everything in my blood work was FINE. No infection. No elevated liver enzymes. The only thing that was low was my Vitamin D. My first reaction is “well, duh... I never see the sun!”

I have the ultrasound. I go to the doctor's office... and the entire time I'm getting all of this taken care of I'm emotionally miserable. I start to think it's something that isn't physical. I've been thinking way too much recently, about bad things and stresses and such, and I felt that maybe I was sick and my stomach was hurting in the same way your stomach hurts when there's a bully on the playground. I'd been thinking about seeing a counselor for a while now but I just hadn't looked one up. Honestly, I didn't know what my health benefits were (I'll admit I'm really stupid when it comes to that stuff) so I was afraid it was going to be similar to when I went through marriage counseling and we'd write these pretty big checks, which was always fine with an engineer's salary. Me alone, not so much.

When I went to my doctor's appointment after the ultrasound I was visibly upset. I was thinking about the fact that maybe I'm depressed (a word that has always haunted me for the finality of its concept in my head) and... so I ask the doctor if this could be anxiety or stress related. Let me back up for a minute, I say “doctor” but she's a nurse practitioner. My dad's a nurse. I have a great friend that's a nurse. Generally, when it comes to health care, they're a little bit NICER than doctors, right? Not this time. Actually I noticed it the last time I saw her for a cold. She was short and curt with me and like I was wasting her time.

She starts in on me. At no point does she ever express any sort of concern or anything to bring me relief. I tried to explain to her that back when I had Mono the reason why it took me so long to go to the doctor is I had a severe amount of stress from my living arrangements and trying to buy a house. She cut me off and essentially made me feel like, “yes... but you had Mono... so move on...” Wow. Needless to say I was crying when I checked out at the window and paid my copay. I ignored her recommendation for which counselor to seek and went home and found one on my insurance website.

But wait... let's not forget the thing in my blood work that was weird. My vitamin D was low (I don't have the number right now, but I plan to call the doctor's office tomorrow and ask them to fax me a copy of the labs so I will know). I asked the APRN how much Vitamin D I should start taking to fix that. Of course I get another smart answer (everyone else that day was nice to me, so I know it wasn't just me...). She tells me that my Vitamin D is so low that over the counter supplements won't help me right now. She said she would call in a prescription.

Here's how I know she was being bitchy...

She asked me which pharmacy I use. I said, “The Walgreen's on Valley Street.” I get notification from Walgreen's that my prescription was ready for pickup... 30 minutes south of where I live. Not 2 blocks away like the Walgreen's I told her. Obviously, she can't even listen to that.

Thanks to the nice people at Walgreen's for helping me not have to drive 30 minutes for some Vitamin D, I started taking it yesterday. It's 1 pill per week, 50,000 units of Vitamin D per week. To give a little perspective, your over the counter Vitamin D supplements range from 1,000 to 2,000 units per pill, taken daily, that's 14,000 units per week. “100%” of your daily recommendations is something like 400 units.

What I'm about to tell you is probably impossible, but I'm being honest. I took that Vitamin D at 9 AM on Saturday. By 1 PM on Saturday, I was not only NOT depressed, but I had energy, my stomach didn't hurt, and I'd made myself a to-do list and was cranking out the work. Usually, on Saturday, I want to call my family and I want to text friends and just be with people. I was back to normal. I didn't have anything to say to anyone... and that was fine. I was fine just hanging out with me, getting stuff done.

And that right there is why I think the counseling is going to be a good idea. I'm very practical. I'm always looking for a reason or a motivation, though sometimes that isn't practical at all. But I feel that for every reaction there was an equal or opposite action. This whole blog is about eating while alone and I haven't been able to do it. Have you noticed? I have. I've ALWAYS had someone to take care of, to give priority to. When I was a kid it was my dad; you'd be surprised what kids worry about and I always felt responsible for him. Then I got married and well, that'll do it. I've never had the opportunity to just take care of myself. Someone has always had me there taking care of them. And it's easy to forget about yourself when you want to put someone else first.

Relationships are so important and I have some fantastic ones. I have great friends. I have great family. I have an awesome vegetable-eating boyfriend. I also have myself. And it isn't for lack of trying. Going back to the practicality of it all, I KNOW that I'm happy and I KNOW I care about myself... it's just putting the plan into action all the time. I used to LOVE being alone... when there was never any time for it. That hour I had between when I got home from work and when my husband got home... that was my favorite part of the day. I need to find that again and figure out why that was so awesome. I used to LOVE having a self-made Buffy marathon and cross-stitching for hours. I haven't done that in forever.

I'm doing very good today too. I got up... had some coffee... and I've been typing this up all morning. I've got the windows open. It's 28 degrees outside but at least the sun is up. And I'm hoping for another day like yesterday. I'm not going to lie and say I feel 100% but the hopefulness is there. I'm not broken. I'm also really looking forward to eating all of the extremely tasty food I got yesterday.

A couple more notes. Where the Internet is dangerous when we're feeling bad, I think in a way it's also beneficial in the sense of giving you information that your APRN who is not willing or NOT ABLE (I mean, come on, she gave me a pamphlet on Mono... she wouldn't tell me what to expect...) to provide. There's actually a whole website devoted to educating people about Vitamin D deficiency and how dangerous it can really be. And although I don't believe everything I read unless there's some university backing it, and although everyone is different, it's interesting to be aware of.

Bringing it back to weight loss, some university studies have shown that those low in Vitamin D have a harder time losing weight and adding the vitamin back in can make a low calorie diet more affective. I'll let you know if that works... :)

I've gained a couple pounds back but nothing major. I haven't had the drive to go to the gym in three weeks but yesterday I started running. I got the “Couch to 5K” app and went out and did that. It was really fun! A little annoyed by the creepy man that looked at me funny, and only a little creeped out by the fact that I don't live in the best neighborhood to be just walking around, but come on, it's New Hampshire. Seriously? I'm not frightened.

Now to get back to my to do list, make lunch for tomorrow, and try to enjoy my day to myself.

Oh! I wanted to tell you... Amy's Mushroom and Olive frozen pizza is a DELIGHT! I had 2/3 of it while watching basketball last night and the crust is so tasty and the toppings are great. You can seriously eat the whole thing for a meal depending on what you've had all day pretty guilt free... but I couldn't fit all of it in my mouth lol. Also good? Peanut Butter Multigrain Cheerios!

everybody else

The theme of January's posts focused around the self... the reasons behind my weight gain and the selfishness it takes to get it under control. To end this theme (since this post was supposed to be at the end of January rather than the first day of February, but hey, I'm a slacker... so there) I thought we should focus on the fact that we are not the only people in the world. Weight loss has to happen while we're surrounded by everybody else. And some of those people aren't watching what they eat...

The first observation I've made about the “everybody elses” out there is the moment they know you're trying to lose weight they say, “well, you're not supposed to have THAT...” and make other generalizations that frankly aren't helping anyone. For your information, I've lost 50+ pounds and I still eat chocolate every freaking day. So, don't step too close to me if you're going to tell me that I can't have it. I might not have had my chocolate yet that day and you might not make it through those words... haha. No seriously. I go for candy runs to the downstairs of my office building every day. Ask anyone.

Another thing that the “everybody elses” like to do is say, “oh, don't worry, you can have that just this once...” I know I'm bad about this. When I'm up against a friend who is also trying to watch what they eat, maybe at a different stage than I am, I tend to try to unknowingly bully them into going out to eat or calling out for pizza. Just because I'm at a good place in my weight loss and just because I understand what my body can handle at this particular time does NOT mean I know what's best for someone else. If I'm suggesting to my friend who has only been on their weight loss journey for a couple weeks that we should get pizza, I could be completely sabotaging their progress.

Speaking of sabotaging progress... I'm going to be completely honest with you about what I ate this past weekend. You'll understand why my post didn't make it up here until Wednesday...

I was doing great all week. I ate my normal things. I went to the gym... and then Friday night I drank a bunch of booze. And then I did what I like to do after a night of having a bunch of booze, I had Wendy's for lunch. And I didn't go to the gym. AND THEN I went over to a friend's house and had pizza. And I went to a kid's birthday party and had

pizza. And a cupcake. And then I went back to my friend's house and had some pizza. I ate 5 pieces of pizza over the course of one Saturday. That's on top of the Wendy's I ate. Yea. I'm an excellent ROLE MODEL.

If that wasn't enough... the chocolate cake I was planning to share with someone special on Friday night... you know, the big piece of chocolate cake that we couldn't eat because of all the booze? Yea. That I ate myself. All by myself. And a bag of popcorn. Yea, that was Saturday.

Sunday was definitely an improvement, but I had already shook myself up and plunged myself into bad habits. And they feel so good when you indulge them...

So my Monday weigh in? I was up 3 pounds. THREE POUNDS!!! HOLY CRAP! Of course, this is what I'm referring to when I say “fake weight.” Pizza is loaded with sodium. And I was a very bad girl and I haven't logged it... I didn't put it into MyFitnessPal because I was so disgusted with myself. I had been in the 150's for three weeks... and I weighed 161 when I stepped on the scale Monday morning... and I was pissed. BUT the good thing is I'm 1 pound away from getting that pesky “fake weight” back off. I buckled down... I went back to my normal routine and my normal eating habits and my normal water consumption... and I think everything's going to be okay.

But the point is this: how much could I really enjoy my life if instead of letting lose and having a great time with my friends I just stayed by myself and constantly watched w

hat I ate? I don't think that'd be too fun at all. So it's not all about us... not all about me... not all about you. It's about adapting and bouncing back from what “everybody else” gives to our life. The positive and the 3 pounds.

One positive change that somebody else has recently made in my life really became apparent to me tonight. I had to cut my workout short because about 27 minutes in I was RAVENOUS!!! I could have eaten anything. I just bottomed out. I could barely move. Usually I don't have a snack before my workout if I go after work (don't lecture me, I know I should eat something... I just don't have anything to eat with me!) so feeling this way was very different. And I noticed, though I've been hungry I have not felt that sudden burst of hunger in a really long time.

I am going to give credit for that to someone pretty new in my life that eats! And eats when they want to! I used to find myself getting “hangry” (you won't like me when I'm HANGRY!) when around others because I couldn't eat the portions that were served at meals so while everyone else around me was full from the gigantic breakfast they inhaled, I, who ate modestly, got hungry about 3 hours later. I've found someone who EATS THREE HOURS LATER! It's really helped me! So feeling that hangry feeling (I wasn't actually angry...) was something I hadn't felt. When I'm hangry, I shovel food in... so it's been great to break away from that and enjoy many small eating moments. I think that's why it's recently been so easy to lose weight.

Positive also is the fact that my coworker who I have been cooking lunch for along with myself for the past few weeks... we haven't actually gone out to lunch in a long time. This is good! We're eating hearty, healthy meals for lunch that don't come in a Smart Ones box... and we're saving money by not going out which always leads to overeating.

This week I made us a Spinach, Rotini, Tomato and Mozzarella Salad... verbatim Cooking Light recipe that I'd been wanting to try. It was excellent! And it made 4 servings so we each got to have it twice.

Tonight I made Shrimp and Artichokes with Wild Rice, a Cooking Light recipe I altered, since these recipes where they utilize the awesomeness that is the Uncle Ben's Ready Rice are 4 servings that couldn't feed ANYONE. So I lowered a few of the ingredients and I make them 2 servings, since the Ready Rice is 2 servings per package anyway.

So here's how that went down:

1 pkg Uncle Ben's Long Grain and Wild Ready Rice

8.5 oz can of quartered

artichoke hearts

12 shrimp, de-veined and all that nasty stuff

2 Tbsp shredded Parmesan cheese

½ cup Light Ragu Parmesan Alfredo

1 Tbsp fat free milk

Cook the shrimp for 2 minutes. Set aside. Drain and rinse your can of artichokes (rinsing canned anything removes some of the sodium). Chop up the artichokes if you'd like them in smaller pieces. Throw the artichokes in the same pan where you cooked the shrimp over medium-high heat.

Prepare the sauce in a microwave

safe measuring cup. Add the Alfredo and the Milk to the measuring cup and microwave for a minute on medium power, just to warm through.

Cook the Ready Rice in the microwave according to package directions. Add the rice, shrimp and sauce to the pan and mix with the artichokes. Stir until integrated and warm. Top with shredded parm.

This looked SO GOOD. I can't wait to eat it tomorrow.

And just for the record, everything that I've posted here where I haven't eaten it right away, therefore am not sure whether or not it actually tastes good? Yea. It's all been awesome. Just had to throw that out there.

So the week is almost over. I promise I'll track my weight on Monday. No matter if it's still up or not. I hate setting a bad example, but I hadn't had a gain in a long time and I just didn't know how to handle it. I'm a baby.