Downhill from Here

Waiting out a plateau has to be the hardest thing in the entire world. Generally, over the course of the last 4 years, I've experienced a sturdy plateau after every 20 pounds lost. This last plateau has felt like it has lasted FOREVER. It's definitely lasted all summer. But as I watch my weight daily, I've noticed for the last month that I'm not exhibiting the same weight behaviors that I've been seeing since May. I've had losses... but then I slowly put that weight back on (2-3 lbs total) during the month and then lose it again, and then take it back... you get the idea.

Around this time last month I was 152 lbs. This morning I woke up to 146.1. I actually haven't seen anything in the 150s since the 28^th of July. I'm losing and then, in a couple days, when I get that hormone change, I'm going to lose again. It's what happens. And I'm going to see my goal weight within the next two weeks. I just know it. I can tell. I know my body pretty well.

That's really the main reason why it's been so long for me to make a blog post. I haven't really had anything new to say because all I've been doing is standing strong on the defensive. It's funny, because when I attempt to research what a plateau is and how it happens, I can't really find anything definitive. Weight Watchers talks about how your metabolism shifts, but I think the way they're looking at it is skewed. They talk about a smaller body burning less calories because of less lean muscle, but I think if you're exercising and actively trying, then wouldn't you have at least a small store of lean muscle to burn stuff up?

In my experience with plateaus, I'm more likely to believe it's just your body asking for a change. It could be in your workout. It could be in your choice of meals. I'm one of those people that gets generally bored with doing the same thing every day and I'm sure my body is no exception. That leads me to another reason why I haven't posted so much. Over the last month, I've stopped cooking new things. I gave my body a change. I ate what I knew, for the most part, and I ate more of it. I've started eating even more often. I already had first and second breakfast, but we're talking first and second lunch... and oddly enough later dinners. But I don't think there's any hard and fast rule. It's about knowing your body, knowing when you're REALLY hungry and when you're just bored. Or, as I experience often, just want to taste something good.

1 serv. instant oats, peanut butter and chocolate chips

I'm misleading you saying I haven't been trying ANYTHING new. I did try a couple new things. One of them is flavored seltzer water. That took about 5 cans before I got over the fact that it tastes like syrupless Coke. Now I find it pleasant. I haven't had a soda in the last couple of weeks (not like I drink tons of them; I like water).

I ate oatmeal! I hadn't had instant oats in ages. I put a tablespoon of peanut butter in it and a tablespoon of chocolate chips. It was all melted and delicious.

I tried Amy's Organic Chili. It tasted exactly like I wanted it to.

Amy's Chili over Zucchini

As far as my weight loss, I think I've decided that yes, my goal is 145. I'm going to still actively lose weight until 140 so that I have a nice, comfortable buffer, and then I'll go on maintenance. I'll really try to tone up then. I've heard a lot of people say that cardio is boring. I won't say it's not, but for me, weight training is SO boring. Mainly it's the focus you have to maintain in order to do it. My mind starts wandering and then I start making mistakes thus rendering my workout ineffective.

I can't wait to report that I've made it to goal. When I started Weight Watchers for the first time and read that I needed to be between 115 and 145 to be considered at goal, to attain Lifetime status... I never thought that was possible. I had the mindset that 160 was good enough. Actually 160 was insane. Maybe 170 was okay. Now that I've broken through those past expectations... well I can't really describe the feeling to you. I can't tell you how good it feels to say, “Oh yea, I've lost 70 lbs.”

Hopefully, this time next week, I'll be telling you all about how I've lost 72.

HUNGRY!

I feel like I have so many things I want to tell you.

I'm something like 42 days away from a pretty stressful weekend at work. Last year, this particular event put 11 pounds back on me over the course of the weeks leading up to it because I would drive screaming from the office and order cheese fries at restaurants that didn't actually have cheese fries on the menu, but they felt so bad for me that they made an exception.

The difference between last year's event and this year's is that this year: I can actually exercise! I'm not coming down off the Mono. The difference also is that I'm trying really, really hard NOT to make myself feel better with food. I'm finding it easier to make myself feel better with exercise (especially because I'm to the point where running no longer makes me think I'm going to pass out or throw up).

I read a couple places online that those who run for 4 hours a week are shown to burn more calories at rest than those that do not. Now I'm nowhere near 4 hours a week. I've just completed Week 7 of Couch to 5k and the past couple of workouts have been 35 minutes a piece. But I have noticed my appetite and my capacity for eating has changed greatly. I want more small meals. I eat less in a sitting. I'm full faster. But then I'm hungry again in a couple hours. Of course I've witnessed this phenomenon before watching muscular boyfriend chow down on bowls of cereal at random times during the day, but I've felt the need to be a little more stringent with myself. I attribute this to the mentality of the 3 meals a day, 2 snacks, don't eat anything after 8 PM... but I'm eating most of my food during the week by myself, so really, who cares when or how I eat it? It's my hot body, I'll eat when I want.

I was having my protein shake for “First Breakfast” (right after my shower) and then a yogurt or some fruit or something along those lines for “Second Breakfast” (10:00 AM). Now I'm finding that the protein shake just isn't enough in the early morning anymore. So I have it and some food for “First Breakfast”... yogurt for second breakfast (10:00 AM)... a piece of cheese for “Third Breakfast” (11:30 AM). You get the idea. Then lunch (12:30 PM). Then afternoon snack (between 2:00 and 3:30 PM). Then dinner (between 6:00 PM and 7:30 PM). Then evening snack (10:00 PM). I always want more to eat in the morning. It's funny considering I have only been eating breakfast for the past couple of years.

You'll be happy to hear that where last week I thought I might have broken through the plateau... I still think that's true. Monday morning weigh in was the lowest I've ever been (151.8 lbs) and despite the need for more food I've been fairly consistent stepping on the scale in the morning. And Monday was the first time during my run that I managed to travel an entire 5k! Nearly did it again on Thursday. Did it again on Saturday. Did it again this morning.

I did something this week that I'm not really sure if I'm supposed to do. I continued to run with a cold. Actually, I had a cold when I hit that first full 5k. Uphill. After that, my sinuses felt like they were absolutely on fire. And they were open. I wasn't full blow sick. I think it was one of those colds that starts out as allergies, but then you don't get everything cleared up so then it's in your chest and you sound a lot like a 80 year old smoker? Anyone? Anyway, I asked a coworker that also runs if it's ill-advised to run while sick. He was of the opinion that if you're doing it and you're pushing yourself, it can make you feel better and clear out your sinuses. Although, he did slip in the caveat that if you're in the middle of it and something happens to alert you that you don't have the energy for what you're doing, then you should probably stop.

So I did a great job running this week when you think about the fact that I was sick. I took a handkerchief on my run and I stopped my GPS for a few seconds to blow my nose. I've also been really trying to work on technique because as the running becomes more intense and more frequent, I am coming down with side stitches and shoulder pain. But then on Saturday's run at 3.48 miles (I accidentally paused the app again, but I didn't stop running...) I only got the side stitches and shoulder pain after sprinting a little bit because I had some not-so-nonchalant, disgusting men ogling me. You might think I'm exaggerating (as I sometimes do that), but you don't look over your shoulder. Then do it again. Then tap your buddy's shoulder. Then you both look over. Then forward. Then over. Then STOP and stare. No. Not very polite. So I ran past them.

I googled how to prevent side stitches. That's one reason why I didn't want to play sports as a kid... running always gave me stitches. I learned that it's actually your internal organs jostling up against one another that makes it sore. And it always happens on the right side because that's where the majority of your abdominal organs are kept (I know this to be true because of the numerous time I've viewed my liver on ultrasound). So you're supposed to breathe full breaths to keep your diaphram open, keeping your organs from hitting each other. Also, you're supposed to exhale when your left foot hits the ground.

All that makes me think of is rubbing my head and patting my tummy. And running. All at the same time.

I figured it would be difficult for a right handed person, but I tried leading with the left side and that really helped. I also tried to keep my pace slower. Going downhill can cause them too because you're bouncing a little more than uphill because you're trying not to fall down the hill.

I've learned a lot this week. Also learned that doubling up on the sports bras is awesome. Also learned that all of my sports bras are now too big. When you've worn at least a “large” everything since you started wearing bras, it's hard to imagine needing something smaller. Yesterday I picked up 2 mediums. My breasts said thank you... they're also kind of enjoying spending a little more time together. They grew up together afterall. Old friends.

I got to do something else fun this week... I went to the Mall and played dress up. Bought a couple dresses, even though I really can't afford it. But it's nice to have a couple things that aren't way too big. I bought a size 8 dress. EIGHT. All my pants are 10 now and I really think I'm down to 8 in dress pants, but again, clothes cost money. It's pesky. Running is free.

I mentioned before that I was sick and I do find myself generally making excuses when I'm sick. Ohhh, I feel so bad... I really want to eat something that will make me feel good. Instead of laying on the couch, I kept up with my running. Instead of eating everything I wanted, I gave myself 24 hours. I had french fries for lunch on Wednesday (I tracked it. When all you have are french fries, it's surprisingly low in calories as compared to a combo). So I epic failed the 21 day no junk food challenge after about 4 days. And then it snowballed from there. You know. One trip to Arby's and one Keebler cookie. Yea. I'm an animal. Sarcasm.

I guess I'll call for a do-over when I'm well. I felt like last week was pretty awful as far as work stress and the inability to do anything fun when I got home for lack of energy. And I tried my best to at least keep my eating modest. I ordered a kid's meal at Arby's while at the mall, trying on smaller clothes for fun.

I did make one recipe worth sharing, I think...

You all know how much I love pictures of food. Well, my little brother was having one of those magazine fundraisers and usually, I have nothing to get because I already have subscriptions to WW mag and Cooking Light which are really the only ones I read on a regular basis. BUT... Eating Well has been attracting me and I saw it on the list, so I went for it. Got my first issue and saw a Potato and Chickpea Hash and I was interested.

But I can't just follow a recipe. That'd be... practical! So instead of using potatoes I used Sweet Potato and I enjoyed it very much. I actually cooked it at work. Halved the recipe in a way, so this makes 2 servings at 250 calories each. I call it “Sweet Potato Hash and Eggs.”

1 medium-large sweet potato, grated on a box grater

½ c diced onion

2 c baby spinach, chopped

½ can chickpeas, rinsed and drained

½ a zucchini, diced

2 eggs

Combine potato, onion and spinach in a bowl to mix well, then pour mixture into a hot pan, patting it down into a patty and letting it cook for 4-5 minutes. Pour in the chickpeas and the zucchini, mixing together and breaking up the potato that cooked together. Lastly, make 2 wells in the mixture for your eggs to cook in. Cook your eggs until you like them and BOOM. Done.

I ended up flipping my eggs because 1, I didn't want my yolks to overcook because I like runny yolks and 2, because I DON'T like runny whites. Looks like snot. Can't hack that.

I'm pleased with what I've learned this week. I've got less than 2 weeks until my first 5k. I finished my 50,000 IU of Vitamin D regimen this weekend. Have to go get blood drawn to check that. Also pleased that I didn't stay for an event at work on Tuesday that had chocolate cake. I had no chocolate cake. Fight the poundage.

Staying Motivated

After four years of watching what I eat, of successes, and hardships... you don't know how many times I sit back and wish I could just let go. I'll think about a dessert buffet. Or I'll play a game with myself, a game I've played so many times when I was fatter... sort of a “Anywhere But Here” game but involving food. I think, “If I could eat anything right now, what would it be?” Luckily for me, when I play this game now, there are two things that keep me from falling face first into an industrial vat of calories.

One: The thing that I would eat if I could eat anything is currently 1000 miles away. I lost a lot of weight living back home in Kentucky, but I'm not going to lie... it is SO much easier to lose weight in New Hampshire. I could give you twenty reasons right now: Arbys, Qdoba, Chick-fil-A, Tumbleweed, Mark's Feed Store, Louisville Pizza Company, Jumbo Buffet, Schlotzsky's Deli, Buffalo Wild Wings, Moby Dick, Captain D's, White Castle, O'Charley's, Graeter's, El Nopal, Penn Station, Beef O'Brady's, Fazoli's, Waffle House... STEAK N SHAKE!!! The only one of these that I don't have to drive at least 25 minutes for is Arby's and that's a recent phenomenon... and it's in the mall... which me and my wallet attempt not to frequent too often. The only few I could get would be Qdoba, Chick-Fil-A and Buffalo Wild Wings, but those take too much driving to make it a habit.

Two: I think about food and I think about binging and I can feel what it will do to me before I even do it. I almost get sick to my stomach. I get flashes of heart burn and soreness... visions of being uncomfortable. It's the reason I order smalls now of most everything. I know it won't all fit. If I don't need it, I shouldn't get it.

My own willpower has grown exponentially over the past 4 years. Sitting here right now, I could definitely go for some snacks. But I think about how I already finished logging all of my food for the day... and how MyFitnessPal gave me my little “if everyday were like today” 5 week estimate... that I've stuck with water for the rest of the evening.

After so long... after this becomes a lifestyle and it gets boring and becomes routine, how do we find it in ourselves to stay motivated? It could be so much easier to just live life, eat what you want, and not worry about fitting exercise in to the busy work week. Why keep going? Let's talk about some motivators:

The before picture.

I went on a picture untagging sweep on my Facebook when I got down to 180. There's no fat-Katie pictures to be found (well, except for a couple from a friend's wedding, but I had to use safety pins to keep that dress from falling down, so I was working on it...). Let's check out some motivating photos, shall we? Here's what I could look like again if I stopped... 

Those make me want to cry. (Don't ever tell yourself you can't do it. It will feel like it takes forever and it should take forever. Losing it slow and healthy is good).

Now let's see how far we've come...

And miles to go before I sleep.

As if that isn't enough, what else motivates me? New recipes. I have already established that I love pictures of food... and healthy eating magazines are wonderful things. I rarely make something twice because I flood myself with new recipes, some of which I will share with you later. I have to keep it interesting. I have to try new things. I have to find new ways of cooking something, something faster, something healthier, something tastier than the thing before it. Because when I stop... I'm calling out for pizza because I'm burned out. I can't get bored. No matter how much this needs to be second nature, I've got to keep the fire burning between me and getting healthy. Even now, I get tired of cooking. If I've done a lot of cooking for a few weeks in a row, I'm filling my fridge with the stuff for salads and quick meals that don't take as much effort. Then I can go back to cooking once I've had the opportunity to miss it.

What motivates me to keep exercising? This one is tough. I went through a couple week stretch there with the Vitamin D deficiency that the only exercise I was imbibing in was rigorous sessions of the Horizontal Mambo. (You can laugh. It was supposed to be funny). And to get out of that exercise-is-boring rut, I stopped going to the gym. Of course my membership doesn't expire until August, but I have no desire to go. I was tired of running on the hamster wheel. So I changed. And I started ballet class and I downloaded “Couch to 5k” and took myself out of the endless loop of watching one wall, exercise in, exercise out... and now I find myself discovering more about the city I live in and taking to the streets and not being afraid if anyone can see me jiggle.

My relationship with exercise has been interesting over the past 4 years and I've gone through many changes. The first thing I did was Dance Dance Revolution. And I'd do it for 40-60 minutes a night. This was when I was first doing Weight Watchers. And I'd just go... and I'd slip my brain into a zone where I was imagining I was anywhere but where I was. Benefits of a first floor apartment.

Then came the divorce. And he got custody of most of the video games because honestly, I just wasn't that into it. Nor was I feeling very into material possessions at that point. My life was what I wanted and so long as I left with that, I was happy. In an attempt to keep losing weight I did a combination of Wii Fit and EA Active. EA Active is actually really challenging, especially if you're not the most fit person in the world. Lots of using your own body weight as resistance type of exercising. Lots of lunges. Squats. I weighed about 184 lbs then, but my buns were awesome! Not as awesome as they are right now... but you know, you have to start somewhere.

Next I moved to New Hampshire and exercising STOPPED. Dead. Nothing. And I gained weight again. Funny how exerting energy is directly correlated to losing weight. How novel.

I started slow. I lost about 15 pounds again and then introduced exercise back into the mix. As you'll probably notice, much of my early exercise was in the comfort and seclusion of my own home. I never, ever, ever, ever, ever thought I'd ever go to a gym. I didn't want anyone to see me. I got into yoga, aerobics videos... and then I tried the gym. Signed up for the Y. Started weight training and killing the elliptical machine.

And then the Mono. And all that stopped until this past August when I signed back up for the gym and slowly got myself up to where I am now. Running, on average, 7.5 miles a week, ballet once a week, and then slowly getting myself back into yoga. I was very pleased back when I could do Downward Dog with my heels to the floor. But now I've noticed that since my legs are so much stronger from all the running up and down hill, I can do balancing poses with such ease now. Tree pose is almost boring. I could stand there for hours.

I've changed my ways of eating at times too. I tried being Vegan for about a week somewhere along the line. I tried cutting down dairy and moving to soy based yogurts and milk. I think about “fad” dieting and though I know that it would never keep someone healthy and fit for the long haul, it is a very tempting thing when you're 7 pounds away from goal and Special K tells you you can lose up to 6 pounds in two weeks by eating nothing but artificial sweetener pumped carb thingies. And a sensible dinner.

So rather than prescribe to a diet plan, while surfing Pinterest I came across this post from a weight loss/fitness blog. 21 Day No Junk Food Challenge.

I can't see how this could be a bad thing.

The thing I like the most about this is not only do we have clear, concise rules on what you're supposed to cut out... but there's 21 days worth of journal prompts to reflect on what you're doing. That makes each day its own little triumph. And when you want that piece of candy, you can write about it instead. I love that idea. So I've decided that today I will start this challenge. Today being Sunday, which I am deceiving us all by writing most of this Saturday night due to insomnia from having taken a nap today... So starting 5-13-12 with the last day of the challenge taking place the day after I run my first 5k. I'm thinking this could be a fun way to maybe boost myself a little bit.

Here's what I can't have: Chocolate. Candy. Cookies. Cake. Donuts. Muffins. Pastries. White bread. Chips. Fast Food. Peanut Butter. Ice Cream.

I only have 3 of those things even in my house. Cookies. Ice Cream. Peanut Butter. I'm not worried about this working. The thing I need to focus on is the candy. There's candy at work and I eat a little every day. I need to focus my will power and eat something else. Peanut Butter will be hard too, since I like it with apple slices and it's really good with pretzels too. But I had a friend once that was a runner and she did all kinds of running but couldn't lose weight. We figured it out that it was the half a jar of peanut butter that she'd eat afterward. Maybe a little break from the PB will be good for me.

I'll share my reflections on the daily prompts at the end of the first, second and third week.

You know... as I was leaving my ex husband, he said to me that I would never find a relationship that I could commit to “forever” because I would just get bored. That I would be alone because of my love of change. I think my approach to love is the same as my approach to weight loss and to food. I've got to want it. I've got to miss it. And I've got to see a future where it makes me better. It's not so hard to find. But I guess it's easy to be bitter when you're not meeting such stringent expectations.

I was really motivated to create new foods this week. And what made me happy is I did so with very few recipes, just kind of decided to put some things together. I made a variation on the recipe I posted back in February. This time I used Uncle Ben's Cajun rice and put some paprika on my shrimp. Gave it a slight jambalaya feel.

The most important thing that I did differently this time though was that I baked the shrimp, I didn't pan fry them. This made this recipe a gazillion times easier. I baked them at 425 degrees for 7 minutes. Perfectly done. Then, since the rice is cooked already, I just mixed everything up in a bowl, covered it, and took it in for lunch the next day. Easy. I'm really into baking things. Bacon. Eggs. Shrimp. I just have to make sure to set a timer so I don't forget it's in there, haha.

 

Next up, I had an avocado that I bought over the weekend and it 

was getting so soft and I was afraid of it going bad. I had a very modest day on Thursday as far as food was concerned, so blowing 600 calories on dinner was sort of delightful. Here's what I did:

1 serving pasta

1 avocado, diced

4 slices Oscar Meyer precooked bacon, torn to bite sized pieces

1 tsp olive oil

salt and pepper

This was so good. And filling. And throwing it together was nice.

Lastly, I made dinner for my wonderful boyfriend Friday night. Pork and Shiitake Mushroom Stir-Fry over Rice with Green Beans. I don't have a picture of it because, frankly, that was the last thing on my mind with a handsome man in my kitchen telling me how good my dinner smelled. My domesticity was all a-twitter.

The only recipe I used for this was my marinade because I'm of the opinion that marinades rate right up there with baking; there's a chemistry to it and I should follow the directions. Here's the marinade I use for pork tenderloin:

2 Tbsp soy sauce

2 Tbsp hoison sauce (this is semi-optional. I've forgotten it before and it still went well)

1 Tbsp dark brown sugar

1 Tbsp oil

1 ½ tsp honey

½ tsp garlic powder (or pop in a garlic clove)

½ tsp cinnamon

Just pop all of those ingredients in a gallon ziploc bag and let your pork swim in that for 6-8 hours or overnight. I always put it to marinade before work and then it's ready for when I get home.

My favorite thing about this marinade is the way the honey and sugar caramelize on the outside of the pork when you throw it in a pan. Even when I bake a pork tenderloin, I always start out browning it on each side for 3-4 minutes in a hot, stainless steel pan (no Teflon for this task, my friends). I started my stir fry in the same fashion, wanting the same effect.

For this dish, I used the following:

1 marinaded pork tenderloin, about 1 lb

1 pkg shiitake mushrooms

1 Tbsp soy sauce

1 Tbsp hoison sauce

1 grated garlic clove

After pan searing the outside of the roast, 3-4 minutes on each side, I moved it to a plate to rest for a few minutes to retain its juiciness. While that rests, mix together the soy sauce, hoison sauce and garlic in a small bowl. Set this aside. Cut up the pork tenderloin into bite sized pieces. This roast will be obviously undercooked at this time. That's okay, we're going to cook it some more. Once cut up, put the pork back in the pan and cook until the pink/red disappears from all sides of your pork (I wasn't timing it. Seriously. Hot guy in kitchen).

Dump your mushrooms into the pan and continue stirring until they're warmed through and a little softer than when you started. Finally, dump in your sauce and combine everything well.

Serve over white rice or whatever type of carbohydrate you're feeling at the time. I still have some leftovers in the fridge. Jealous?

An easy cooking week. I tried polenta for the first time this week and it was tasty. I feel like I ate so much food... but without jinxing myself, I have a feeling that my plateau is coming to an end. I am back in the realm of 152 lbs. Looks like my plateau was approximately 42 miles from edge to edge, because that's how many miles I've clocked in my nearly 6 full weeks of “Couch to 5k.” I've lost an inch in my hips. Unfortunately, I've also lost an inch in my bust (sad face). Waist is still the same.

I'll get there. I'm excited to see something like 149.9... but I'll get there. Slow and steady wins the race and all that.

Clumsy

Have I told you how clumsy I am?

I could sit here and write pages of stories about how I've fallen down doing something. Tripped on something, Fell into someone. Spilled something. Broke something. Burned myself cooking. CUT myself cooking. Let me just take you on a few short journeys...

When I was in elementary school I had this secret dream of being a BMX biker. You know, doing flips and stunts all X Games style. I say elementary school but it's more like 4^th grade on into 7^th. 8^th grade brought 180 pounds, so I wasn't riding the bike too much. Anyway, I had this fantasy of being able to do all those nifty stunts and me and my ten speed did what we could to satisfy those urges. I would ride down the street and flip a leg onto the wrong side and sit side-saddle style on my bike. I'd put my feet up on the handle bars. I'd stand up with one hand... sit down with both hands off... Yea, I know, I was hard core.

I got this brilliant idea: stand up on the bike and remove both hands. Okay. So the logistics of standing up on your bike can go a couple of ways, but really the only way to stand up on your bike while having your hands free is to have one foot down and the other up, putting all of your weight to one side. That doesn't work too well on something without training wheels...

Needless to say I flipped over the handle bars and the bike landed on my arm, chipping the bone enough to score a cast just in time for summer. Kids. Don't break a bone before summer starts. Swimming with a trash bag wrapped around your arm is lamesauce.

I haven't been able to do a solid cartwheel since.

Another instance I was walking/hiking (it was woods, so does that make it hiking?) in Waverly Park in Louisville, KY with some other kids. Louisville (that's my home town if I never established this) is for the most part flat... especially now that I've seen New England, Louisville is VERY flat, but the further away from the river you get, the more hills you come to. So this park in South Louisville had some hills to climb, not too shabby. Unfortunately, climbing hills leads to going back down them.

This particular trail was littered with tree roots shooting up out of the path down the hill. Katie found one to trip on and literally rolled down the hill. Quick and easy way to get down the hill, I guess. But it smarts, for sure.

I mentioned in my last post that my ex-husband ruined hiking for me. This is one of those reasons why. He was always adventurous. I'm a goodie two shoes. If the sign says stay off the grass, I'm not on the grass. If there's a fence, I don't cross it. It takes me so long to decide to do certain things because if I don't understand the norm or the rules in the situation, I can't bring myself to try it until I know. So he would find ways to go off the path, always. I could never trust that he would know how to get back, so I wouldn't want to follow. He'd also want to go off and walk on things that weren't really made for walking on.

The girl who tumbles head first down the hill doesn't take kindly to terrain that could increase her chances of falling down. Especially not with someone I don't trust to reach out a hand and help me back up without making me feel like an idiot.

We had this goal in our relationship to hike all of the parks in Louisville. This may seem like not that big of a task, but Louisville has 120 parks (plus a handful not run by Metro Parks). If I recall it right, we did about 25. Then we both got to be too chubby to want to (okay, I got too chubby to want to, he still wanted to and I felt fat and sweaty and disgusting out in the 90 degree jungle humidity). We had our first date in a Louisville park. He proposed in a Louisville park. It was kind of our thing. I've just recently been able to reclaim my love for the outdoors back for myself. It's hard when you have something you like, then you find someone who has that similar interest (we all start relationships with similar interests, right? Hopefully?), then you participate in said similar interest together, then when it's over, at least for me, you can't remember why you liked it for yourself because it's been so long since that walk in the woods was just for you. It's being Dick&Jane instead of Dick. &. Jane.

I visualize a 1000 piece puzzle and you leave the last two pieces without mounting glue because separately they have brilliant color, and when you put them together they finish something beautiful, but you can appreciate the fact that they exist separately and are both beautiful too held in opposite palms of hands. You can still pull magnets apart. How can you enjoy coming back together if you're never apart?

Why is my clumsiness the topic this week? Because of all the running. I finished 2/3 of Week 5 on “Couch to 5k” this morning and I had to share with you my biggest fear about running. I've actually started getting anxious, just a little, before I go out to run or during the day when I know that running is going to be in store for me when I get home. “Couch to 5k” does different intervals and once you get up into Week 5 they change every day. Today, for example, I warmed up for 5 minutes, jogged for 8, walked for 5, jogged for 8, then cooled down for 5. I sit there and wonder if I can do it. I think, “Today I have to jog 8 minutes straight. I've never done that before. What's going to happen?”

I don't think the GPS liked the track...

And it's not the physical exertion and it's not tiring out that really worries me to the core. What worries me is, okay, I'm running and the sidewalk gets uneven and then I'm going to bite pavement. I'm going to trip over myself and I'm going to be alone and my face is going to hit the ground and I'm going to skin my legs up and I'm going to end up doing a 2 mile walk of shame back home. I'm so scared of falling down.

Maybe I wouldn't be so scared of falling down if I weren't so clumsy to begin with. This morning I ran on the track at the high school and it was so smooth and comforting and safe feeling. But the downside to that is I can't see the intersection up ahead that I know I need to turn right at... I can't see a point in the distance that keeps me going.

One thing I did like this morning was that because it almost felt like I had “nowhere to go” on the track I was able to keep a much more steady pace and I was able to do the 8 minute stretches of jogging not terribly quickly, but the endurance was there. And that's the point, right? Having the energy to get to the end of it. Not necessarily how fast I get there.

I've always had issues enjoying the ride. I'm really trying to work on that.

In the 90's I always thought, “Jeez, I'm going to be 15 in the year 2000. I can't wait for the year 2000.” Even now, I think, “I can't wait to be 30.” I guess it could be suggested that I have this thing in me that assumes that with age comes experience and I'll be better at things when I get older. Maybe I won't be so scared of things. But I've gotten older. I do that every day. Every month. Every year. And there's so much of me that is the exact same. There's a lot of me that's different too, but it's all built on a foundation that isn't going to get dug out and poured again. It's why I try to keep my eyes up and forward. Quick glances down as I'm climbing the ladder. Unfortunately, I'm clumsy.

I'm trying to take this running thing the same way I take weight loss, as a process. And I'm really glad I have some sort of program to follow because if I had tried it myself, I would have tried too much too fast and I would have stopped right away. I've been actively trying to lose weight now for 4 years. FOUR YEARS. And I'm not done. And I'll never be done. It's life now. It will always be something I have to do, have to consider, have to manage. It's the wet, sticky substance that I layer on top of my foundation to start building upward, something that can slip into the cracks in me and not repair, because I see the seams still... but it's helped me do so many things I didn't think I could do. Clay I try to sculpt confidence from. Something I did with no one but me.

Food this week was tasty and plentiful. With burning calories comes eating calories and I ate them with a fiery passion this week. I made a Cooking Light recipe that lasted for a couple lunches this week and it was quite tasty. It's called Chicken Posole Chili and though Cooking Light has about 300 different ways of making something called “Chicken Posole,” this is the one found in the Superfast cookbook. It took me 10 minutes to make, altering their technique just a little. I made it on the stove at work. Here's how it goes:

2 cups low sodium chicken broth

2 cups cooked chicken breast (I used rotisserie chicken)

1 can hominy, drained

1 Tbsp cilantro in a tube (mmmm... herbs in tubes...)

1 ½ tsp cumin

¾ c salsa verde

This seriously couldn't be easier. Combine broth, hominy, and salsa in a pan. Bring it to a boil and set your timer for 10 minutes, reducing to a simmer. In a bowl, combine chicken and cumin and stir that nicely until well distributed. When you have about 4 minutes left (5 if your chicken is cold...) put the chicken into the mix and stir occasionally. When the timer goes off, remove from heat and stir in cilantro. This is so good and it's about 186 calories for a 4^th of the recipe so either go nuts and have 2 servings or eat something with it.

I think I could write so much more today... but the sun is out in who knows HOW long here... and it's only going to be out for today, so I really don't want to spend the day at the computer. Despite the fact that my really large window here next to me is giving me a great view of the outside, I want to be where the action is.

Week to Week

I enjoy routine so much that I have trouble viewing results in any way other than from week to week. I think Weight Watchers broke my brain because it's just SO IMPORTANT to have your weight go down every single week there. You get sad/angry faces made at you if you don't do that.

It's so hard not to think week to week especially if you're like me and you have that M-F, 9-5 type of job. The week starts with Monday. The weekend is the end of the week. Things happen. We start over again. That's just how it works.

So now that I'm chillin' in my lawn chair on top of this GIGANTIC PLATEAU, week to week is disappointing and irritating. I've started what feels like MONTHS of weeks here and had no changes in my weight. And I'm so freaking close. I've decided 145 is what we're striving for here... and I've been 154 nearly every morning for who knows how long. I'm sure I could take the time to calculate just how long, what with all of the data that I keep on a daily basis to keep myself honest, but frankly, it'd only piss me off more.

I wouldn't say my mind is actively trying to rid myself of this evil, evil plateau, but rather just continue to focus on what I'm supposed to be doing. I've been tracking my food and exercising. Trying not to be over full or over hungry at any given time. Eating to survive. But eating stuff that tastes awesome.

Groceries force me into a week to week viewpoint too. I can't buy food for two weeks because it's probably going to go bad. I hate grocery shopping with every fiber of my being (I won't even go into today with the woman getting the very large money order with the very destructive son when all I wanted was postage stamps, thanks lady) so going more than once a week sounds dreadful. I can't buy an avocado and eat it at the end of the week because they're almost overripe at the time I purchase them anyway. I'm starting to rely a little too much on my freezer.

Last week's lasagna lasted a long time. Had it for lunch. Had it for dinner. Have a feeling I'll be eating it tonight too! (Hopefully my handsome gentleman enjoys what was left in his fridge too!). This week I'm looking forward to making the most of a rotisserie chicken. So many Cooking Light recipes use rotisserie chicken and honestly, it makes SO MUCH sense for me. I hate raw chicken. I hate cooking chicken. If I can just buy it cooked and then use it in things, it's absolutely worth it. And they only run about $4.99 at my grocery which is cheaper than buying a smaller package of raw chicken anyway.

Tomorrow it looks like I'll be making mini chicken and cheese enchiladas and I'll hopefully be making this chicken chili with salsa verde and hominy. Yum!

In an attempt to try to think a little more long term, I've registered for my first 5k!! I'm right now working on week 4 of the “Couch to 5k” program and by the time June 2^nd rolls around, I'll be in the last week of the training. I'm a little nervous about going by myself. But I want to do it by myself. I want to go at my own pace and just look forward to finishing and keeping my own stride.

When I was younger. When I was fatter. I always dreamed of running. I volunteered as a mile timer for a 5k in high school and honestly, I felt like those people were going SO FAST! 8 minute miles? 10 minute miles? I could barely run a block. So now that I weigh less and shorts aren't in my top 5 greatest fears (top 1 greatest fear is damaging my Achilles tendon, just in case you were curious... thanks Pet Semetary) I wanted to give it a try and I did and I have and it's been wonderful. It's definitely not the most pleasant thing while I'm doing it. About half way through my workout I feel like I'm going to throw up and I'm spitting when I breathe and I just hope no one is looking at me... but when I'm finished and I'm stretching and cooling down and even my shins are sweaty, it feels like a real accomplishment and I feel so good.

Rather than viewing things in the span of a week, I'm going to try to think 5 weeks ahead and know that my eating and my working out is all going to get me to participating in something I'd dreamed of doing for far too long.

Who is this girl who makes her own dreams come true?

I know she's done it a few times... but maybe it's starting to feel real now. Took a break from running today to walk in the woods by the lake. There's so many things in my life that I couldn't enjoy because I just wasn't enjoying who I was doing those things with. I used to love hiking. My ex husband and being way too overweight ruined it for me. Doing what I want to do because I want to do it for a change is kind of the best thing ever.

A short aside: I love Pinterest. How did people cook before the internet? No really? How? I saw THIS RECIPE and I got an avocado at the grocery this morning just so I could have it for lunch tomorrow. I wouldn't have thought of that... I wouldn't trust myself to actually cook avocado since they're so delicate.

I use the internet CONSTANTLY while cooking. Measurement conversions for halving recipes. Pictures of food and what to cook. What to use instead of sour cream. What temperature to cook pork tenderloin. I can't imagine how people cooked imaginatively or were successful losing weight before the internet.  Today the internet taught me how to bake eggs instead of boil them!  Not so high maintenance.

Maybe they didn't have to lose weight because they weren't sitting in front of the computer.

Numbers

I haven't been blogging because I haven't been losing weight. I'm really a big whiner. I haven't lost anything in a while, and to be honest, I've gained about 1-2 pounds, depending on the day.

But I've been running 9 times and I'm going to ballet. I think I'm gaining muscle (I say as every one of the muscles in my legs spasm despite my stretching). I know I should measure my success not by what the scale says, but by the fact that my pants are too big and that I'm able to go over 2 miles in less than 30 minutes. I should be proud of that.

I have trouble with that.

I've been eating SO MUCH recently. Today I actually put my foot down. I was hungry literally all day long today. I had a protein shake for first breakfast. A yogurt for second breakfast. I had this tasty concoction for lunch. I had my afternoon snack right after lunch because, though it was tasty, there just wasn't enough of lunch. I ran, so I seriously have a ton of calories left for me to eat tonight. As I type I'm mowing down on a Healthy Choice meal because I've gotten this laziness about me recently. I have ambitions to get in the kitchen tonight to make lasagna for lunches this week.

Dairy is back in my life with a vengeance. I really hadn't noticed until they found me lacking the Vitamin D how I had completely just stopped having dairy. Even things that called for cheese, I was leaving the cheese out. I am enjoying having yogurt and cheese again (individually packaged cheese sticks are heaven sent). I tried a new Yoplait Light Whips flavor today and I sucked it down faster than you could say, “Oh hey, yogurt!” It's Cherry Cheesecake. I never liked cherries much as a kid. My grandmother loved cherry cordials and I thought they were disgusting. Now, I could eat a whole box. Have you had cherry cordial Hershey's kisses? Yea. That's awesome right there.

Speaking of dairy, I made a little something for afternoon snack that was quite delightful. I shared it with someone else, so it was only about 140 calories for my portion, which is pretty close to any other snack I could probably come up with. Lately I've been really into things like Pop Corners and the like, trying to find crunchy things that I can snack on that won't make me gigantic. I had a coworker bring in Pretzel Crisps one day a few months ago and finally I got myself a bag of them.

Today I took one serving of Pretzel Crisps, one serving of 2% Italian shredded cheese, and ½ of a serving of pepperoni, cut in half (made little half moons with the pepperonis) and made pizza nachos with them. I mean really... pepperoni, cheese and pretzels? There's not really anything there to make this horrible.

I popped them in the microwave for 30 seconds (in sets of ten... wanted to make sure not to overly creamify the cheese) and they were tasty. I bet dipping them in sauce would be killer too. Or making any other kind of flavor of nachos with these little crisps. They really are quite tasty. And crunchy. Satisfying.

I haven't much to say. I haven't much wisdom at the moment. Just trying to keep my attitude positive and not get discouraged because my body is still changing for the better.

Also looking forward to the day when I can run for 3 minutes straight without stopping half way through, gasping for breath and screaming in my head “I can't do this!” I've got the 1.5 minute conquered. I'll get there.

Rewards

Sometimes I step on the scale and forget everything I know; after a couple weeks of disappointment because I'm slowing down... and then I get up one morning to find myself looking at something like this...

…my mind goes blank. It makes me think about what I'm going to eat next. Secretly I don't want to eat anything else for the rest of the day because I don't want to see this change. But it will change. It'll go up a little. It'll go down a little. It's the emotional roller coaster of weighing yourself every day. Knowing I've been there is enough for me. Sometimes. Then I know it's only a number. There's so much more to health and fitness than a number on a scale because there's so many factors. But knowing I weighed 217 lbs when I was 3-4 years younger... knowing I weighed 180 lbs in high school. Knowing those things and seeing what they are now.

I never thought I could exist this small before.

I got to thinking this week about what I would do if when I meet my goal weight. I'm still a bit indecisive about what that goal actually is. I think it's going to be 150 until I get to 150 and then it'll be 145. And then we'll call it safe. Then I'll try to just stay there for the rest of my life. Hah.

Back when I did Weight Watchers the first time, I had a leader that bought herself a diamond ring when she met her goal. She lost about 105 lbs or something

like that, so hey, get down with your bad self and buy yourself a diamond ring. That wasn't for me. I tried to make myself a midway goal reward. I told myself that if I lost 40 lbs, I could get my memorial tattoo for my grandmother. I lost 34 lbs and then plateaued. I got my tattoo anyway.

I think there's a lesson there.

I don't respond well to incentives. I have this thing where I take what I want and leave it at that.

So to give myself some “thing” to reach toward is kind of backward when the thing that I'm really reaching for is the weight loss. And really, how much do I get when that happens? I'm going to get new clothes. I'm going to feel good and feel pretty and be able to do things that I missed out on while I was bigger (tying my shoes and not being out of breath while doing it has been one of the best things I've gained). I thought about my promising myself my tattoo four years ago and I thought about maybe doing the next one when the weight was all gone just because I can get it on a place that I always thought was going to be fat. Now it's not. But I know I'll do it anyway...

Do you reward yourself with food? Do you reward yourself for going to the gym by having a cookie? Or a piece of cheesecake (omg I'd kill a man for cheesecake right now). Perhaps it's hokey... but maybe we need to stop rewarding ourselves for a job well done since the job well done is reward enough. Live a lifestyle where you don't need the pat on the back; the deeds you do are enough. Stop looking for incentives. We don't get prizes when we do our laundry. We don't get rewards for breathing. To really take on weight loss and healthy eating as a way of life, this needs to be just something that comes naturally. Something that blends in to every day. Because it can never really stop. Lifestyles go on for life.

I've gone to ballet class two weeks in a row now and I'm so happy I decided to go. A couple weeks ago I was pretty sore for the few days following but this past week I wasn't. I haven't gone to the gym at all in the last couple of weeks... the first reason being my hormones were so out of whack I couldn't bring myself to do much of anything than cry, scream or stare down the box of Girl Scout cookies on my kitchen table. I think this past week it was because I'm bored. I'm really tired of it. I'm tired of exercising in front of a bunch of people. Although my body has really changed, sometimes it still makes me uncomfortable.

I know ballet once a week isn't enough to keep the weight off.

I want to run. And it's almost warm. I think I'm going to run soon.

I always say that.

Cooking for yourself and being alone for many meals really takes discipline. I cook a lot of meals now that have multiple servings just to make sure I have something low calorie and healthy already ready for when I'm too tired to cook. If I let myself go... if it was really good... I could very well eat more than my fair share.

But I've really changed. Maybe that should convince me that the plateau isn't a big deal. I'm not going to gain it back. And if I start gaining I watch myself every day... I try to stay accountable as much as possible to myself and to my goal. If I start gaining I can catch myself. I'll never have the need to be 200 lbs again.

I still have a pile of clothes on my bedroom floor that I need to donate. Something inside me is afraid to box them up. I'd say I'll try to do it today... but I don't think I will. Doesn't mean I don't want to...

I haven't started cooking for next week yet, though I have a couple tasty things planned. I did make something really great for lunch last week, so great I made it again for dinner last night. Super awesome, healthy boyfriend liked it... or so he exclaimed through periods of chewing. “This is good...” muffled by a mouthful of food goes straight to this girl's heart.

I made Cooking Light's Creamy Linguine with Shrimp and Veggies but I left a bunch of things out. Also altered the portion size just a bit.

Sometimes it has to do with what I have on hand... and what I want to buy. I bought groceries last week for $24 and I like weeks like that. I usually never have two weeks in a row that low because I need to stock up on something the following week. I left out the onion and the carrots. I didn't use broccoli florets, I used chopped frozen broccoli because I already had it in the freezer. I thought it worked really well. The first time I made it I used garlic powder. Last night for the bf I used real garlic. Both times it was scrumptious and rich. The cream cheese really makes you feel like you're having something a lot more fattening than it really is.

The Cooking Light version is still 500 calories a serving... so I didn't save a terrible amount of calories, but there's calories in everything. I have a tendency to leave out ingredients in an attempt to make things go faster. I don't like slaving. I like eating.

This week I spent $31 on groceries. Of course I also bought a bottle of wine and that pretty much used up the remainder of my food budget for the week. Oops... started salivating... maybe it's time to open that bad boy up...

I guess this post is really just talking myself through this plateau. I'm trying my best not to get discouraged. I remember how all the plateaus before this went... but I can't remember how I got over them. I'll just keep doing what I'm doing and hold on for what's waiting for me at the end. Or beginning, however you'd like to look at it.