Love

No matter how much you abuse yourself, ignore yourself, hold everyone else up on sturdier pedestals than the one you're clambering to the top of... you can't leave. We focus so much energy on all the other people, the ones with free will. The ones that can leave us. Jobs we can lose. But then what if we lose everything? Our jobs, our friends, all of our relationships. You're left alone with yourself. Someone you may not even know.

Once upon a time I bragged about my love for having “me” time, alone time. The truth is that was the biggest lie I ever told myself and everyone else. I couldn't stand being alone. I would wad myself up in fetal position and cry because it's the worst feeling, being locked up alone with someone you don't know. Total stranger. And you can't throw them out.

I'm finding that my relationship with myself, as it grows, parallels the fantasies that movies give us. I surprise myself. With every challenge I take on, it's like I've found someone new. That rush that you feel, the heat in your belly when you fall in love. I get that feeling every morning when I walk into the bathroom, rubbing my eyes, pulling off my shirt and starting my shower and I catch her in the mirror. I'm in love with her. And the more I'm used to that feeling I wonder why we ever hurt ourselves in the first place.

With every new milestone I jot down in my fitness log I surprise myself. When my hands run over my skin and find all the new spaces, new firmness, new bones that I didn't know I had yesterday, I realize that I've finally shed off every protection I used to wrap myself in. 84 pounds of brick and cement, a wall to hide behind so no one could see me. I'm not afraid to fail anymore. I'm not afraid of pain or hurt. Or struggle. Or strength. This woman that sleeps with me every night and pushes me to be the best I can be, she's the love of my life. And I'm so sure now that if no one ever loves me in that low lit Hollywood type of way, timeless and all encompassing, I have the closest thing to unconditional love within myself. And I can never leave.

The best thing about this is I think the closer you come to fully accepting yourself and taking good care of yourself, it lets other people love you more. If you're putting up walls between you and the person you are, if you aren't reaching your full potential, imagine how much you're hiding from those trying to connect with you. That has to be why relationships fade. Why friends lose touch and lovers leave their keys on the kitchen table. Unless someone really knows you and accepts you, they can't be expected to hold your hands through your growth and change, inevitable steps that life takes. The difference between surrounding ourselves so we're not alone and surrounding ourselves with positive feelings and true comfort. Real people. Reality.

This week I've been a little discouraged with my workout. It's not “easy” and I do groan and sweat... but I'm not feeling the change that I felt doing Ripped in 30 and that's been a slight bummer. I tried increasing weight and found that the number of reps that 30 Day Shred has isn't conducive to heavier weights. I lowered my weight and it seemed easier and I didn't really like that feeling either. But I'm going to keep going. I know I'm getting stronger. I can do 10 push-ups in a row and could probably do more if I pushed. I can get into Wheel Pose. Maybe it's getting past moments of change that you can see, it has to be moments of change that you experience.

I had the greatest run yesterday. Building muscle really helps with performance, I'm finding, and there were times where I was keeping the 8 minute mile pace. I'm terrible at pacing and I know that's something I need to work on when Half Marathon training comes along. But for now, I just kind of enjoy seeing how far I can go on my timed workouts.

Yesterday I went super far. Week 3, Day 2 workout on Bridge to 10k, I went 6.21 miles in 1:07. That's a 10k. The first 5 minutes of that is walking, per instruction from the app, so just imagine if I got to run for those 5 minutes instead of walking, i.e. a race day scenario. That makes me happy. Of course, I couldn't find a 10k that fit into my schedule, so I've got the 12k in May. Got to get up over 7 miles. It would be fun to be able to do 6.2 miles in 1 hour. But I'm rambling now.

The weather has been crazy. Right now, it's snowing these small flecks of glittery whatever, earlier it was a heavy snow that I could slip in. Yesterday started out sunny but the cloud cover didn't yield any precipitation. This was my second run in my newest shoes and I'm really happy with how they work. I decided to try to take on the problem I had last time with my toe... and made a pretty painful mistake. I wrapped the toe in a band aid, which in the world of that one toe was perfect. It didn't blister, and I didn't feel pain from it. But I didn't consider how that band aid would affect the rest of the foot, so I'm doctoring my poor little toe. Had to change up my workout this morning a little because I couldn't do high knees without an excruciating amount of pain.

What made me happy is after that run, I woke up this morning with slightly sore, tingling legs. I'd missed being sore so much.

Workout log this week is pretty straight forward:

Monday: 30 Day Shred, Level 2, Day 1 and Bowling

Tuesday: 30 Day Shred, Level 2, Day 2

Wednesday: 30 Day Shred, Level 2, Day 3

Thursday: REST

Friday: 30 Day Shred, Level 2, Day 4

Saturday: B210K, Week 3, Day 2 – 6.21 Miles

Sunday: 30 Day Shred, Level 2, Day 5

So tomorrow will be the last workout in Level 2. Then on to Level 3 for 6 workouts and then I'm done with 30 Day Shred. That went by fast. It goes by fast now that working out is nearly a more exciting priority than the food I eat. I look forward to it and I miss it on rest days. I'm delighted and fearful and have a feeling of adventure thinking about moving on to the next challenge.

I am trying to up my ability to do push ups. Did 10 yesterday and today. Going to try to gradually add more push ups as the month of March progresses. I've got a schedule to get me to 50 by the end of the month. Let's see how that goes.

Food this week was interesting. Sunday, after I posted, I got to cooking and made two pretty tasty items. I made some Buffalo Chicken Chili and Blueberry Lemon Muffins. Of course both of these recipes came from Pinterest because I feel that if I'm going to spend so much time on Pinterest drooling over the food, I might as well enjoy some of it!

The muffins were difficult. And I think I only wanted to make them because I was bored. I only ate 2 and gave the rest of them away. They're very wet and you have to let them cook in the muffin tin. Might actually not be a bad idea to use those metal-looking muffin tin liners. I don't even have a picture! I have no idea what I was thinking. The original recipe is here... and there's plenty of pictures there. Here's what you need:

1.5 cups flour
1/4 cup sugar
1.5 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup apple sauce (I used Mott's natural)
2, 6 oz containers fat free lemon yogurt (I used Stoneyfield Farms because they don't use artificial sweeteners in their fat free yogurt).
1 large egg
1 tsp vanilla
zest of 1 lemon
2 cups blueberries

Preheat oven to 375 and spray 12 muffin cups with cooking spray. In a large bowl, whisk together flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda and salt. Set aside. In another bowl blend apple sauce, yogurt, egg and vanilla. Stir the wet mixture into the flour mixture until just combined. My batter wasn't as “thick” as the original recipe described. Add the blueberries and zest and stir gently. Divide the batter between the 12 cups and bake for at LEAST 15 minutes, if not more. They were very, very wet. I would almost half the blueberries, mainly because as they heat up they bust open and the juice just adds to the wet.

They tasted good. Had a cake-like texture. Not bad.

My Buffalo Chicken Chili was delicious. I had it Monday for lunch with a coworker, shared it with another coworker during the week, and then my handsome gentleman and I finished it off Thursday night for dinner. I do have pictures of this... so... here we go!

1 Tbsp olive oil

2 chicken breasts, cooked and shredded

1 (15 oz) can of white beans, rinsed and drained (I used Goya's “small white beans”)

1 small onion, diced

1 large carrot, sliced thin

2 stalks celery, diced

½ green pepper, diced

3 cloves garlic, shredded on a microplane

1 (28 oz) can crushed tomatoes

½ Tbsp paprika

½ Tbsp cumin

¼ cup buffalo sauce (I like Frank's brand. If you like it hot, use more. This wasn't very hot at all).

In a metal pot, cook the fresh veggies and garlic in the olive oil for 5-8 minutes. Add the paprika and cumin. Add the tomatoes and hot sauce. Bring to a boil. Once boiling, turn down to simmer and let cook for 50 minutes. (Seriously, this is the longest I've cooked in a while, but so worth it!).

At the end of 50 minutes, stir in chicken and beans. Heat until everything is heated through. Very good as leftovers.  My rendition came out to 213 calories.  Feel free to add cheese and all that good, stuff.  Handsome gentleman had it over rice. 

I think today I'm going to update my running playlist... always good for giving a little more umph. I've got a 5k not this coming Saturday, but the one after, so going to be running some 5k distances during lunch hours a couple times between now and then. Need to see how fast I can get it done! I'm longing for Spring like you wouldn't believe. I don't really mind the cold, it's the slipping hazard side walks. And my new shoes aren't too good for cold days (lots of ventilation) or for accidentally stomping in melted snow puddles (lots of ventilation).

At the end of March I'm going to be flying back to Kentucky for a quick visit. I'm already worried about eating. Already making dates for running. There's a 5k going on that I'd love to sign up for, but that would cut into visiting time. So excited for people to see me so small.

Stretch Marks and Shoveling Snow

I don't have stretch marks for noble reasons. I've never been pregnant. Never carried a baby. I have stretch marks because I used to put away entire large pizzas by myself. Three cheese conies. Side of cheese fries. Spicy chicken sandwich combo meal, plain, large size. Chinese buffet. 38 inch waist.

They don't bother me so much. Sometimes it's a bummer that I'll never have a pretty, tanned belly. It's like two, white clawed hands pushing up out of my pants, cradling my belly. Scarring like I wore a crown of thorns around my hips and with ever pound I gained, the wounds were made deeper. I actually remember when I got the ones around my navel. I was married. And I thought to myself, “Well... that's it... you've officially gotten too fat.”

I've got them under my arms. A little of my inner thighs.

But now I have them as a type of reminder. Of what I did to myself. And what I'm capable of.

Yesterday morning, I finished Jillian Michaels' Ripped in 30. That's right. Met my short term goal. And I feel like if I'm able to do that, I'm able to do any workout I want. Here's the fitness log this week:

Monday: Ripped in 30, Week 4, Day 3

Tuesday: Ripped in 30, Week 4, Day 4

Wednesday: REST! (I needed this rest day more than I knew...)

Thursday: Ripped in 30, Week 4, Day 5

Friday: P90X Yoga X (couples exercising!)

Saturday: Ripped in 30, Week 4, Day 6 and a lot of shoveling snow

Sunday: Going to do some yoga later... some nice, relaxing yoga...

Wednesday I felt like crap. I took my rest day early and I needed it. I went to bed around 9 and just slept and slept and by Thursday I felt great. Friday night my handsome gentleman and I did his yoga routine together since I was sort of snowed in there. It was an hour and a half... wow. It was interesting, working out together. We'd never done that before. And it was cool to see what he could do and what I could do. I seemed to be more flexible on some things... he was able to do the things that required tons of strength. Of course he had a one up on me since he'd not only done the routine before, but he's in the 2^nd phase of P90X, so yea, he's strong.

Saturday morning I threw on the sports bra right after breakfast, determined to get my final workout in. There was about 17 inches of snow on the ground, so there was definitely some shoveling in our future... but I knew I'd be mad at myself if I didn't finish. I'm so glad I did. Then we got bundled up and went out to shovel. Both of us surprised ourselves. I've never been in this good of shape. We shoveled the ENTIRE two lane driveway, including the crazy stuff that the plow leaves at the end of the driveway (that was all him...) in about 2 hours. A little less, considering when you stop, breath, and look around. Today I've got sore abs, arms, upper back, hips... but it feels SO very good.

That was just a validation of the progress I've been making. The ability to do something I never thought I'd have the stamina to do. And seriously, I'm by no means perfect. I've still got this extra skin, especially right in the front. But it's definitely decreased over these past 30 days. That gives me hope that if I keep it up with the fitness, I can get rid of even more of the extra baggage I'm holding onto.

I started Ripped in 30 at 134.5 pounds. I had a 30.5 inch waist. 38 inch hips.

This morning, I weigh 134.1 pounds. I have a 28 inch waist. I have 36.5 inch hips. Way back when I first started Weight Watchers, I wrote in my LiveJournal (yea, I'm old) that I'd read that you should have a waist circumference of less than half your height in inches. I'm 64 inches tall. That's 32 inches. I never thought even that was possible. Now it's under 30 and I'm amazed! Here's some “after” pictures, since I was too self conscious to take any “before” to show. But we'll call these “before” pictures for my next leg of working out.

This week, I'm going to do mainly yoga and stretching, take a week off from the hardcore workouts and enjoy the body I've got. I can do yoga so much better now. I could stand in “tree” pose for hours... with my foot all the way up into my inner thigh.

Then, on the week of February 18^th I'm going to start Jillian's 30 Day Shred. My office is closed that day, so that'll be nice. I'd like to pop it in the DVD player and fast forward through it, just to see what I'm up against.

In food this week, it was a little hard. This is the week of the glorious PMS so Monday and Tuesday I gave in to SO many temptations. I think I ate my weight in candy... and of course it was candy that I didn't put in my tracker (thought I DID track my chocolate covered pretzels). So Thursday I got this brilliant plan to kick the temptations. I put a post-it on my desk and every time I actively thought, “I'm going to go grab a piece of candy,” I put a tick mark down. As you can see, I had 15 on Thursday. If I had eaten a Starburst for every one of those desires, that's 210 calories. That's breakfast. And it worked... because on Friday, as you can see from the photo, I had less of them. It's true, when you give in to desires, it's harder to deny yourself them. And really, it's okay to DENY yourself CANDY. It's not like you need it. Have some strawberries.

Here's the food log for this week:

Monday:

1^st Breakfast: Protein Shake

2^nd Breakfast: Peanut Butter and Banana Oatmeal

Lunch: Strawberry and Avocado Salad

Dinner: Salmon and Sweet Potato

Snack: Yogurt and too much candy/pretzels

Tuesday:

1^st Breakfast: Protein Shake

2^nd Breakfast: Peanut Butter and Banana Oatmeal

Lunch: Strawberry and Salmon Salad

Dinner: Broccoli & Cheese Stuffed Chicken Breast with Cauliflower and Broccoli

Snack: Cottage Cheese, Pineapple and too much candy/pretzels

Wednesday:

1^st Breakfast: Protein Shake

2^nd Breakfast: Frosted Mini Wheats in Milk

Lunch: Sweet Potato and Chili

Dinner: Buffalo Chicken Salad and Cinnamon Stix (told you there was bad stuff...)

Snack: Almonds

Thursday:

1^st Breakfast: Protein Shake

2^nd Breakfast: Peanut Butter and Banana Oatmeal

Lunch: Strawberry and Avocado Salad

Dinner: Ham and Mashed Potatoes with Side Salad and Broccoli (kudos to my handsome gentleman for this meal!)

Snack: Almonds and Kettle Corn Popchips

Friday:

1^st Breakfast: Protein Shake

2^nd Breakfast: Triple Chocolate Vitatop with Peanut Butter and Banana

Lunch: Chili with a roll and grapes

Dinner: Pork tenderloin with noodles and brussels sprouts

Snack: Frosted Mini Wheats in Milk

Saturday:

1^st Breakfast: Protein Shake

2^nd Breakfast: 3 eggs with salsa

Lunch: Frosted Mini Wheats in Milk

Dinner: Veggie Calzone

Snack: n/a

Today I've had my protein shake, I've had a fried egg with bacon, and I had a veggie burger with some fries at the local cafe that I love. I'm still full... so no idea what dinner will be. But I have a pork roast in the crock pot to have this week and I made these Skinny Strawberry and Chocolate Chip muffins that I saw on Pinterest. YUM!!

 

I linked the recipe above and I did exactly what the recipe said. You don't mess with baking. It's chemistry. But it smells so good and I did taste the batter and it's delicious. I probably won't eat any until second breakfast tomorrow. I did punch the recipe into MyFitnessPal and I called 2 muffins a serving... 4 grams of fat and about 280 calories. I'm picturing a taste like chocolate covered strawberries.

Bought a couple things to try this week. Cinnamon Roll flavored Frosted Mini Wheats. Chocolate Fiber One cereal. Fiber One protein bars (I had some Fiber One coupons, obviously).

I've got mixed feelings going about taking an easy week working out. I know it'll feel good and such... but I don't want to be lazy. I'm sort of taking a cue from my handsome gentleman's P90X workout... he just finished a between phase week that had yoga and abs. I'm sure it'll work well. It'll also give me a chance to get over mother nature's super awesome visit. But I love it... because it is the only weight loss I get anymore.

Okay. Time to pull some pork.

You Got Me Running

The miles I travel, I feel them in the pads of my left toes first. Three miles into today's run, my hat barely keeping the misty rain off of my glasses, I took to the steeper part of Lake Ave losing a bit of my momentum. I had updated my running playlist to not only make more minutes of music available (yes, I run with headphones in... but I wore a red headlight in the fog... I get my safety elsewhere) because with restarting Bridge to 10k, my runs will be nearly an hour or more from now on. On comes Katy Perry's “Part of Me” and though I wouldn't call this the most influential song of the times, tears started streaming down my face. I'm still so overwhelmed by what I can do. What I have overcome. The strength I have for so many things. What I let go of when I didn't care for myself and the growing relationship I have with the person I am now.

I wonder what the world would be like if everyone could feel this feeling. The freedom and pride. Probably people would be a lot less stressed and angry. Confident. Friendly. That's why I want to share it.

I remind myself that I keep this blog for a couple reasons. The first is to keep me honest. The idea of getting here on Sunday mornings to tell you, “Yea... I completely failed at everything this week” isn't my ideal, so the result is I don't fail. I'm accountable to something, even if no one reads it (but I know you do, so thank you!). The second reason is hoping that it helps someone. Maybe if I can get it across that it gets easier, more people won't be afraid to set goals to get there.

I get to take this to another level soon. My boss is letting me start a Healthy Living Support Group at work and I've been so excited ever since I sent out the first meeting invitation. Wednesday we meet for the first time to discuss short term goals. Folks are going to weigh in if they're interested in that. I don't want it to be all about weight loss because honestly, when you take on healthier living, that's sort of when weight loss becomes something you no longer have to work for.

I ate so well this week because last weekend the handsome gentleman and I ate complete crap for two days and my poor belly couldn't handle it. It sort of went into Monday when my bowling league finished up in a tournament. We got 9^th place so we didn't go on to the second round so, you know, after you lose track of how many pitchers of beer you've shared and you decide against your better judgment to order fried dough. I wouldn't recommend anyone with eating habits like mine to eat fried dough. Ever. All the Tums in the world don't help you sleep.

But Tuesday night I hit the grocery store and was such a good little girl as I put fruits and vegetables into my cart, nearly staying under my $40 weekly budget. Tried a couple new things this week that I would like to share. First... Chobani Bites. I've had Chobani Champions which are their “for kids” yogurt line. These are essentially the same concept I guess, but just for grown ups. I got the Coffee with Chocolate Chunk yogurt and I'm very pleased. It tasted a lot like the Stoneyfield coffee frozen yogurt that I have in the freezer. 9 grams of protein. 100 calories. 1 gram of fat. No artificial sweetener that I can tell. I'm really proud of Chobani for that.  I seriously want to try the other flavors.

Another thing I tried was those Lean Cuisine “Salad Additions.” I had seen the commercials and you know, can't resist corporate marketing so... but I was pleasantly surprised. Not the greatest option in the sense that it's frozen food and yay preservatives and sodium, but it was pretty good. These have all of your “salad swag” and you supply the lettuce. I actually weighed out one serving of lettuce and wow, 2 cups of lettuce is really not that much. 2 cups of green leafy vegetables is one serving, where ½ cup of other vegetables is “one serving” if you're looking to actually squeeze in 8-9 servings of vegetables in your day (I'm definitely not there yet, but I'm trying). The chicken wasn't gross, it had good dressing (I didn't use all of it) and the other stuff just made it taste good. I liked it. Wouldn't get it too often probably, but it's something worth giving a try.

In an attempt to get more vegetables in my day, I've tried mixing some veggies in with my scrambled eggs. I had eggs with green beans and eggs with peas this week. Both were fine and tasty.

Also got to enjoy some variations on oatmeal this week. Had some peanut butter and banana oatmeal for second breakfast earlier this week and this weekend when handsome gentleman and I found ourselves at a local cafe for breakfast, I enjoyed some banana and brown sugar oats with an english muffin with peanut butter. I'm drooling right now. Slurp.

In the world of my physical fitness I'm trying my best to step it up a notch. For all intents and purposes, I'm at my goal weight and I can relax a little there. But I want to tone it up. I've got two piece bathing suit dreams here. So for the umpteenth time, I'm starting Ripped in 30. Every freaking time I try to do this thing the whole way through, I get sick. One might could say I'm setting myself up for sniffles.

But so far so good. I've done Week 1 so many times now that I can actually increase the weights, so I'm doing circuit 1 and 2 using 7.5 pound weights and then circuit 3 I take it back to 5 pounds (just can't do those reverse flyes in chair pose with 7.5 pound dumbbells). I've got a calendar that I'm scribbling in my workouts and my rest days. This past week looked a little like this:

Monday: Ripped in 30 (R30) Week 1, Day 1. Bowling.

Tuesday: R30, Week 1, Day 2

Wednesday: Bridge to 10k (B210K) Week 1, Day 1. Tap Class.

Thursday: R30, Week 1, Day 3

Friday: REST

Saturday: B210K, Week 1, Day 2

Sunday: B210K, Week 1, Day 3

I'm also trying to keep a better record of my fitness.  I follow Runner's World on Facebook and at the end of 2012 they asked how many miles everyone logged... and I didn't know.  But I wanted to know!  So in my little calendar I found I can log my miles and keep notes on every day (note, I got this for $7, it looks like it's gone up since.  Glad I scored it when I did).  I'm keeping notes on the non-running workouts here as well.  

So as you can see, I'm not doing Ripped in 30 to the specifications of Jillian who says to do it 5-6 days a week. But I am going to do each week 5-6 times. So tomorrow, that will be R30, Week 1, Day 4. It's going to take me 2 weeks to do each “week” since I'm incorporating my running into it, but I think that'll be fine. And I'll always make sure to have that all important rest day. This coming week, that's going to be Tuesday, which is my 28^th birthday!

I have a lot more to talk about this week about fitness over food. I just ate well. Ate tasty vegetables, didn't do much hardcore cooking. I got myself a heart rate monitor which I wore on Thursday's workout and today's run. For Ripped in 30, I was overestimating my calories burned, but I remained “in zone” for longer. For my run, Bridge to 10k doesn't know anything about your run other than your weight and your times. So where B210K thought I burned 525 calories today on my 4.73 mile run, my heart rate monitor said 597, even though I was only “in zone” for 13 minutes of the 54 that I was out. It knows when the road is at an incline because my heart rate increases.

Here are the maps of my three runs this week. I really like when I get to run so far that you can't tell the road names on the map. These are in order according to the workouts listed above. That means today was the one that I ventured over to the other side of the river. That's sort of been a dream of mine, to run on both sides. Achieving dreams pretty much kicks ass.

The weather for these three runs was harsh. This weekend has been misty and foggy, as you can see from this picture. Wednesday, though my boss is awesome and let me take a short lunch to start my workout earlier, it was still dark and cold. The sidewalks are melting and freezing and melting, so there's times when you find a deep puddle or an ice patch and I slow down and get through it rather than keeping my pace. I'm hoping that that means that when this stuff melts off, I'm going to make much better times.

I told myself I had to get through typing up and posting this blog post before I could take a nap... a nap I seriously could use. Then I'm off to the grocery where I'm planning to try this nifty thing called Chia Seeds... I'm thinking that's the same stuff that you spread on a Chia Pet.

If you have Netflix and watch the instant queue (I stream it on my PS3) I highly recommend a movie that's on there called “Hungry for Change.” Learned a few new things and got justification for some things that I've noticed along my journey. I always take things with a grain of salt but this was very informative. It also gave me some ideas for books to read.

Nap. On it. I think I earned it.

Resolve & Resolutions

I never make the traditional “New Year's Resolutions” because they don't work. We've all seen it. January and February your Weight Watcher's meetings are jammed packed with people who will hang around long enough to lose 10 pounds and then you don't see them again after March. The parking lot at the gym is so packed that you have to park way over by the Olive Garden and hoof it in the freezing, windy weather. Then walk the half mile back out to your car wet and sweaty. Cold. And you're frustrated because you know it's all because those freaking resolution-making-people are wasting their time and yours. You're angry because they're going to quit and you're working so hard not to.

Maybe it's hateful to think, but people that quit really get me down, even more so recently than in the past. I've had to try a really long time to get where I am today and though I try to be as humble as possible (I haven't been 217 pounds in so long, I barely remember what it was like, so that makes it easy to shrug off progress and think, “oh well, so many people have done this!”). Don't quit.

Quitting is impossible if you're changing your lifestyle. Giving in to one piece of chocolate cake isn't quitting. Not exercising for a week isn't quitting. Even gaining some weight back isn't quitting so long as you're actively aware of what you're doing. Quitting is letting go day after day, thinking, “Well, I've broken the rules already today, so this day is a wash.” You can't succeed that way. If you screw up at lunch time, do better at dinner. If you screw up today, do better tomorrow. Each morning is a new chance, a fresh page on your food log. The first day of the year is just the next new chance, just like the second day of the new year will be.

My size 8 pants are getting big...

I do take a moment to reflect on the past year and come up with a short list of things I'd like to see happen in the upcoming year. On December 31, 2011, I wanted to see 150 lbs in 2012. I wanted to read more. I wanted to write more.

Can't say I read more... with taking up running that doesn't exactly leave much time for reading. I did read a few books and I definitely purchased some books with good intentions. I saw 150 lbs on the scale! And then I saw 145... and 140... and now I'm chilling well under the 145 goal at 137. I wrote more! Look at this blog! 48 posts now. I also kept up with my poetry and in 2012 I finally submitted something to a literary journal. Got an honorable mention on the first thing I've submitted in my adulthood, so I'd say that's pretty awesome. Still have the letter attached to my fridge.

I think having goals or aspirations for the New Year is a good thing but just like anything you need to go into it being okay to fail. Don't aspire for something that HAS to be done or something that if you don't meet the goal, it will ruin your life. Like quitting smoking... losing weight. Honestly, I was around 162 lbs this time last year. If I didn't meet the goal of 150 by the end of 2012, it's not like it would be the end of the world. If it's quitting an addiction... smoking, eating, drinking... don't make a resolution: slip on your resolve and just make it happen.

Without the “New Year's Resolution” you can still achieve great things! I had no idea I was going to start running when 2012 started... then March rolled around and I started Couch to 5k and 2012 brought with it approximately 200 miles between two pair of shoes. Now I can't imagine being without the ability to do it. I've said before that it takes 30 days to create a healthy habit. That takes resolve.

For the past couple of weeks I've been thinking about what I want my “things I'd like to see” list for 2013 to include. I'd like to stay below my goal weight of 145 lbs in 2013. I don't think that's going to be a problem because I've got a pretty solid lifestyle going here. I'd also like to keep a log of my fitness this year. I estimated my miles ran up above because I honestly don't know. I was keeping track through Couch to 5k, and then Bridge to 10k keeps track of my total miles ran also, but I forgot the log prior and then I never use anything while running a race, so there's 12.4 miles not counted. I'd like to see what I'm capable of now and how hard work makes me more capable in the future. I ordered a 2013 running log tonight.

I would like to read more. I've worked on trading in some old dvds and books to Amazon and I've done enough to over the cost of a small elliptical machine. That will give me something to read ON... since I feel that chilling on the couch reading is only something I can do if I've exercised today. And then I fall asleep because I'm tired... it'll be nice to move and read simultaneously.

I'd also like to keep up with my race participation. I kicked off the New Year by running a 5k this morning. It was pretty freaking cold and the wind was up, but running through Portsmouth, NH I turned the corner and I go to see the ocean. It excites me knowing what I can see and knowing that my feet are the only things I need to get me there. This afternoon, I signed up for another for March. I've got aspirations to run a half marathon this year in September. Plenty of training will happen once it gets warmer. I'm a little tired of running in the cold.

What's been going on the last week or so for me? Well, food has been interesting. Lots of opportunities for candy and cookies at work and I've had my share. I used those Perdue Simply Smart chicken tenders to make a buffalo chicken salad that was less than 200 calories. Frank's makes a buffalo sauce that is so delish.

I treated myself to breakfast Sunday morning at my favorite cafe and though I usually get pancakes when I go there, I decided to be a good girl and order what they called the Egg White D'Lite. This was two egg whites cooked omelette style then topped with a grilled portabella mushroom cap, swiss cheese, spinach and tomato... topped with pesto. Came with multigrain toast, two triangles I dipped in the pesto, the other two I indulged in some grape jelly, which I hadn't eaten in forever. If this cafe were closer to my office, I'd eat there all the time. They make some kick ass salads.

Weight loss is remaining the same... actually a little more the same than usual. Usually by now I've put back 2 pounds that I hang on to until mother nature deems it necessary for me to let it go. Right now I'm stay within a half pound of my lowest recent weight, so not bad.

Working out has been fun recently. I thought I was going to die in that 5k today because I haven't gone running in forever (i.e. two weeks). I still finished in under 32 minutes though, and I guess what I've been up to in the warm inside helped with that. With my Christmas gift cards I ordered some new workout videos. I've been doing Leah Sarago's Ballet Body and Jillian Michael's Kickbox Fast Fix. Both of these are super; the kickbox one is just fun and it completely gets my mind off the fact that I'm working out. Ballet Body is hardcore and tough and I've cried... and screamed... and I come back for more. I've done the lower body DVD twice now and the upper body workout once. Both were amazing, very slow and deliberate. I've got a few more workout DVDs to try out; love having the variety.

I've worked out a couple times at my handsome gentleman's house in the last week or so. He has his weight lifting equipment down in his basement and there's a mirror down there. I had no idea that I was getting so tiny... I had to take some pictures. Look at my shoulder... I think it looks so strong... haha. The awesome part about these pictures is when I look at them I see a little “fat roll” right under my sports bra. But that's my rib cage. That part is hard. Pretty amazing.

Hope everyone had a wonderful and safe New Year celebration. Now to let the confetti settle and get back to normal. Get back to living life the way we do... and remember that quitting is impossible. You have the resolve not to quit. 

Batches of Cookies & Skinny Jeans

 Well, I did it. On Sunday, while at the local outlets, I slipped into Ann Taylor Loft and while hidden behind the thick dressing room curtain... I slipped a pair of skinny jeans over my hips. Figured since I've been constantly pulling up my size 8 jeans, and since I tried on a pair of 6 bootcut and they fit well, I should try the size 6 skinny jeans. Of course these are “curvy” as I do still have quite the hips.

Size 6 were enormous.

Tried on the 4.

I could fit both hands down the front and there were these unsightly bags on my tush.

And then there were 2s.

And wow. I own a pair of size 2 jeans. Don't go too crazy saying, “OH MY GOD KATIE I'M SO PROUD OF YOU!!!” It's seriously a fluke. And if you want to feel good about yourself rush on our to the Loft and pick yourself up some curvy skinny jeans. I almost think the size 6 bootcuts are a little baggy in the lower belly... but generally I like some wiggle room in my jeans. I'm finding that with this tighter, smaller body I'm finding many more reasons to wear things that are a little more snug.

But gaining this pair of jeans makes me feel so good during a time that I've not been able to exercise much. I've finally gotten over this cold, but it snowed recently and for some reason the idea of running on untreated sidewalks doesn't really sound like fun to me, so I'm resorting to all indoor stuff. I feel chubby and out of shape after 2 weeks of laying around and I know it isn't the case. It's just a good motivator to have a pair of pants that leaves so little to the imagination. I can't screw this up.

What do I do next? Oh, I make cookies!

Of course, just like last year, these aren't for me, so I can't mow them down. And where last year I made my old, faithful recipes, I wanted to try something different this year. I made all of my Christmas-time cookies off of Pinterest. So these recipes I'm about to share are not my own and I'll link you to the original blog that they come from, but the pictures I post and my experiences are all mine.

First I made Triple Layer Fudgy Mint Oreo Brownies. I go back and forth on mint & chocolate. I hate Thin Mint Girl Scout Cookies (maybe it's because I don't care for dark chocolate?). I like Andes Mints and York Peppermint Patties. And I like these brownies. Fabulous. The original blogger made their frosting and brownies from scratch, but we all know that my attention span can't handle homemade, so here's how I made them:

One 7-oz jar marshmallow fluff

1/8 tsp mint extract

green food coloring

1 batch of brownies, from mix

12 & 18 cool mint Oreos

¾ c white chocolate chips, melted

1 container vanilla store-bought frosting

Preheat the oven according to the brownie box. In a medium bowl, stir together the marshmallow fluff, mint extract and 4 drops of food coloring.

Prepare the brownie mix and stir in 12 hand-crumbled Oreo cookies. This is always interesting because the frosting sort of makes them squishy. Do the best you can. I had a super helper through all of this and she was a pretty good crumbler. Once your cookies are mixed in, spread the batter into a prepared pan.

Drop ½ cup of the marshmallow mint mixture onto the batter and swirl it through the mix. Bake this for 23 to 30 minutes. Take notice of how your oven does and what the box of mix says. Cool completely.

While cooling, combine frosting, the reserved mint marshmallow mixture and the melted white chocolate chips. Stir in 4 more drops of green food coloring. Spread this mixture over the cooled brownies.

Sprinkle with 18 hand-crumbled Oreo cookies and slightly press into the frosting layer. Allow top layer to fully set before slicing.

Mine were pretty hard to separate... but wow were they tasty. I wrapped each one separately in plastic wrap to put them into goodie bags for my coworkers. I've had one person report back that they're good. Hopefully that'll be the consensus.

Next up I made two very easy cookie recipes, a Nutella Cookie and a Rolo Cookie.

For the Rolo Cookie, all you need is 1 package of Devil's Food Cake mix, 1 pkg of Rolos, 2 eggs and 1/3 c vegetable oil.

My Oreo-crumbling happy helper opened up the Rolo wrappers for me while I mixed together the cake mix, the eggs and the oil. You take a small bit of this batter in your hand and form it around the Rolo. It's hard not to get too much, you really don't need much. Once you have them wrapped, place them on a prepared cookie sheet (parchment paper is my preparation of choice) and bake for 7-8 minutes at 350 degrees.

They won't change too much. It just cooks the outside and melts the inside. Be careful of the hot, molten caramel when you bit into a fresh one.

The Nutella cookies were even easier. I bought store brand Hazelnut Spread because I'm cheap. All you need is a cup of that, a cup of flour and one egg. The original recipe calls for sugar, but you can leave that out.  Mix ingredients together well, roll it in little balls, schmoooosh the balls with the bottom of a glass and bake for 7-8 minutes at 350 degrees.

The last cookie recipe I'll share have gone over rather well... to me they're not terribly sweet but they have a fabulous texture. I halved the batch of frosting, so I'll share my calculations with you. These are Root Beer Float Cookies.

Cookie Ingredients:

1 cup butter, softened

2 cups packed brown sugar

2 eggs

1 cup buttermilk

1 tsp root beer concentrate (or extract, it's found in the store with the extracts)

4 cups of flour

1 tsp baking soda

1 tsp salt

Frosting Ingredients:

2 cups powdered sugar

6 tbsp butter, super soft (you can also use shortening or lard, whatever you're into)

¼ cup milk

1 tsp root beer concentrate

Preheat oven to 375 degrees.

In a mixing bowl, cream together butter and brown sugar. Add eggs one at a time, mixing well as you add each. Beat in buttermilk and root beer extract. In a separate bowl, combine remaining dry ingredients. Whisk together then gradually incorporate into the wet mixture.

Drop by tablespoonfuls onto prepared baking sheet. Bake for 10-12 minutes or until lightly browned (I baked mine for 9-10 minutes). Remove to wire racks to cool.

To make frosting, whip butter and extract together. Gradually alternate adding powdered sugar and milk. If you want a different consistency, try adding a bit more of either of these ingredients. Frost the cooled cookies. Let the frosting set before you put them in a container.

I've had a number of these root beer cookies. They're soft and have a great texture. I actually had 3 of them today alone. Definitely recommend these.

I don't know how I survived or how I ate new things before the invention of Pinterest.

I have another batch of cookies I want to make before Christmas. Looking forward to having the time off from work to spend with some people I love. Can't see everyone I love this year, but should be a good holiday. Hopefully I'll get in some quality workout time in.

Make all of these cookies with caution. I don't want to be responsible for someone's caloric kamikaze.

The Biggest Loser and the Emotional Impact of Weight Loss

I can't watch very many reality tv shows. I have this thing where I get REALLY embarrassed for people. When I sit in a staff meeting and people say or do things that are slightly embarrassing for themselves, I just want to crawl under the table, put my hands over my ears and “la la la la” my way into oblivion. I can't see the foolish or conniving things that people do in front of a camera as entertainment. I'm generally repulsed.

But I've found myself catching reruns of The Biggest Loser now that it's on Netflix. Watching this show has REALLY opened my eyes to the psychology behind weight loss and has made me feel so good about myself and the things that I've gone through emotionally over the past year.

I started this blog with the idea of showing people how to cook healthy just cooking for one. Cooking for one, eating for one, has to be the EASIEST way to lose weight. Cooking single portions lends itself to not overeating. You have no one bringing things into the house that you don't need. No one is filling the cabinets or your grocery cart with cookies or soda behind your back. You have complete control of your life.

The last year has officially been the longest period of time that I have lived by myself. The ONLY time before that was after I left my husband. I lived 7 months on my own until I moved in with my dad for a few months before heading off to New Hampshire. It's been lonely at times. It's been eye opening. It's been hard. It's been relaxing. I think it's something everyone should experience before you intend to share your space with anyone else. I think I'll probably be living by myself for many years to come. Unfortunately? I don't know. It'll keep the weight off, that's for sure.

So there were a couple moments on Season 6 of The Biggest Loser (the Families season) that touched me and made me realize some things. The first actually made me break down in hysterical crying. Coleen had lost a bunch of weight and she tried on her “Goal Closet” item and it fit her. And I just lost it. I was so happy for her and then in turn so happy for myself because I think of how I used to need a XL or XXL top and now my closet is full of S and some of my M tops are getting too big.

I've had a lot of experience losing weight... and even I didn't see coming what happens to clothes sizes when you get down to goal. It's almost as if the sizes just fall off. You keep getting smaller even though your weight generally stays the same.

The other thing about that season that really touched me was watching the emotional impact of weight loss unfold. This past Spring I found myself really emotionally drained. I cried a lot. And while I watched the teams on The Biggest Loser battling through their workouts... then they stop and they cry despite the fact that they're doing excellent jobs. That made me feel so not alone.

It's probably very hard for a lot of people to understand. But not me. I've been overweight my whole coherent life and I even remember in my adolescence thinking things that absolutely attributed to that problem. When Nutritional Facts became mandatory my first thought was hating the idea of someone telling me what a “serving size” of something was. I didn't think about all of the other things that Nutritional Facts really do for us. I used to get upset about sports since that was something I never did as a kid. I think it's the fear of the unknown. When you're overweight, you don't know what it's like to be in shape, to be active, to have a healthy lifestyle. It's foreign and scary...

So when you achieve it. When you break past the unknown and become the thing you didn't understand before... it's jolting. Because it isn't being active or being healthy that you didn't understand, it's yourself. I hid behind food, I let food make me feel better, I let the baggy clothes try to hide my fat and if I didn't put forth any effort then I wouldn't draw attention to all that I could not accomplish.

When I ran my first 5k, I cried all the way home.

I've held onto my goal weight for nearly 2 weeks now. Nothing quite keeps you honest the way meeting that magic number will. I've decided that 140 is where I want to be, so I'm still consuming calories in such a way to lose weight. This past weekend I went a little overboard with the fried food, but I got back on track quickly. Being prepared will always work... having the equipment in your fridge and your cabinet to fuel your body and eat healthily sets you up for success.

This past weekend I did do something pretty fun with one of my friend's daughters. We had a little “girls” day which included going to the Mall and trying on clothes that we had no intention of buying... but the AWESOME part was that we were both trying on clothes from the JUNIORS section. And she's 12... and I'm not... :D It made me feel really awesome. Here's a couple samples of what was tried on:

I still have so much trouble when I look in the mirror, but a full length mirror has become something I really enjoy being around. I'm really toning up and losing surface area. I can see my pulse in my wrist. My clavicles are gorgeous.

I'm just so proud of myself.

There wasn't much food talk in this post, but I wanted to share a couple snacks that I've enjoyed recently!! Avocado has become the love of my life and eating it with cottage cheese is the BOMB. I also did some boiled eggs (I did the baked boiled eggs that I mentioned in a previous post) and squirted some Wholly Guacamole into the place where you'd normally put your deviled egg filling. OMG that was delicious. I've also got some Vitatops in my freezer that I'm excited to eat soon. I love the Deep Chocolate ones with peanut butter on top.

Speaking of peanut butter, did I mention that I made my protein shake with vanilla whey protein, skim milk and a tablespoon of peanut butter?

I love food.

I've also tried switching up my workouts!  Kickball season is over so I've signed up now for bowling, which doesn't start until the end of October but I'm SUPER psyched!  I also traded ballet for tap class!  I'm really excited and will hopefully get my shoes in the mail soon!  Hopefully I'll still catch a ballet class every now and then, but mixing things up is always the way to keep things interesting.

67 pounds

Sometimes you think things.  I think things a lot.  And when you say them out loud after thinking them so long, for me at least, they become words so foreign to your lips but common knowledge to the rest of you that the paradox is a strange, visceral sensation.  It tingles.  You wonder why you didn't start saying it in the first place.  When you say it out loud it becomes true.

This weekend I looked at a friend of mine and said, out loud, "You know, I've lost 67 pounds."

It's almost ridiculous.  How the hell did I DO that?

At my first Weight Watchers weigh in when the scale read 217 pounds I could believe it, but I couldn't.   I knew how much I ate.  I knew I ate whatever I wanted regardless of anything else.  I was never "trained" to eat healthy by my family, but we didn't necessarily eat terribly either.  Sometimes food was fried, but there were always vegetables.  Always water to drink; rarely a soda.  Sometimes we'd just have gigantic salads for dinner.  But when you're pulled out of the world where so many decisions are made for you, things become different.  Not easier or harder.  Just the wrong decision can sometimes be the only one you notice making.  The only one you see in front of you. 

I've had so much change in my life over the past 4 years.  7 pants sizes.  3 relationships.  Friends and new friends and broken friends and rekindled friends.  2 states.  I've ridden on the back of a motorcycle.  I've played on my first sports team.  I've done a pushup.  Or two.  Or five.  I've done Warrior III pose.  I found ballet again.  And I've lost 67 pounds.

I still don't love myself enough.  But I'm getting there.  I've got to think of me as the only person I'll have a lifelong long-term relationship with and I have to accept myself and love myself through every change.  Every mistake.   Remember I'm trying my hardest and love myself for trying.  I've grown so much but I have so much more to learn.  I try my hardest.

There's things I like to do now that I never liked before I lost weight.  And don't get my wrong, I wasn't always 217.  I didn't wake up 217 one day.  I went through high school bouncing between 170 and 180.  Braces help.  I've considered doing that again just for the weight loss benefits haha.  I was 190 in college.  Then 200.  Then more and that's when you stop looking until Weight Watchers asks you to remove your shoes and step on the scale.

I like to sweat now.  It's not a comfortable thing when you're bigger.  It feels hot, not refreshing the way it feels now.  I like to wear shorts.  I like playings sports and watching sports.  I like the sun more.

I like my hair long.  I cut it short partially because I didn't like the way it would lay on my fat back and my fat shoulders but putting it up every day gave me a headache. 

I like trying on clothes.  I don't like when I pick the wrong size... as my bones have not lost any size and there's still some things I can't get over my gigantic man-shoulders.  Also it depends on the store.  Just saying, White House Black Market, I can wear a small top, but a size 10 dress I can't zip?  Really?  I digress.

Yesterday I had some Kohl's cash so I wanted a new pair of non-black dress pants for work.  Found some, size 8.  But I ended up taking a 12 to the fitting room because I still have that thing where my eyes gravitate toward certain sizes.  Well, here's what I look like in a size 12.

Crazy.

Kickball started this past week and it was FANTASTIC.  Of course, I'm not used to sprinting, so I kind of pulled my right butt cheek just a little.  It's still sore.  Going to need some hamstring warmups before the next game.  I never made it to first base, but I caught the ball once to get someone out so that made me happy.  Got a bruise from it.  I feel very hardcore.

I finished Week 1 of Jillian Michael's Ripped in 30.  I should have started Week 2 yesterday but I ended up spending most of the day in a bathing suit.  Should have started this morning, but... yea I have no excuse for that one.  But the day isn't over. 

The day isn't over.

I have an hour and thirty minutes until I need to be somewhere.

I can get in a 20 minute workout.

What am I on the computer for?

Maybe I do love myself enough.  :)